There are thousands of campus newspapers across the United States. Within those pages of print are thousands of columns, where thousands of disgruntled young adults project their bubbling grievances (or perhaps, their joyous musings! Sorry, I’m pessimistic) upon an audience of (HOPEFULLY) hundreds to skim through. I know the situation, but I need human eyes to vindicate my weekly commitment.
That’s where provocation comes in: the antidote to stop the wandering eyes dead in their tracks. It’s my only defense of a paper skimmer in Carm who’s trying to consume as much as possible with their morning oatmeal. Ugh, but those blueberries are irresistible, and the sports section of the Tufts Daily suddenly doesn’t matter as much, let alone some random sophomore columnist with a goofy icon photo.
So how do I stop this type of paper skimmer, much like I know my roommate does almost every day (sorry Avery)? Well, I wake up every day in a city ensconced in more sporting success than I think they know what to do with. And here is a newspaper (granted, a school newspaper with a strong obligation to support its student body) giving a crazy, New York zealot 500 words a week to spew his epithets at everyone from Brady to Brady to Belichick to Brady.
What if one day, I’m just like, “screw it, let’s go global.” I make the hottest take of hot takes, become the Skip Bayless of sports columns by spewing a blasphemous proclamation that attracts a large enough cult-like following to garner the attention I need. The attention I need to do what sort of nefarious scheme, you so ask? I’m gonna take down Boston … from the inside!
Well, I can take down Boston’s sports, at least. No, I can’t physically shred Boston’s athletic prestige, and I’m certainly not saying I’m going to go Tonya Harding on Tom Brady or anything. Maybe just take a gentle stab at the psyche of the Boston sports fan, enough to stop those wandering eyes and have them question their place on top of the athletic pedestal. Then I must clarify what this column has always thought to tacitly avoid: Is the sports culture reflective of a city’s heritage as a whole? It’s the ever-old fine line I continue to tightrope, and only sometimes, I peek down and feel my stomach absolutely sink.
No, I don’t want to offend anyone with any of these so-called ‘provocations.’ Again, it’s about pausing those wandering eyes. What, you mean to tell me Drew Brees is superior to Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr.? For Joe Boston, I solemnly apologize. I do not mean to hurt you, make you feel ignorant or question your character.
Do I just want to be famous? Do I somehow see expressing my grievances on a dying media platform as a legitimate career path to stumble downwards? Do I secretly wish I grew up in Boston instead of New York, or worse, as a fan of Boston sports?
Who really knows? But I’m having a good-ass time figuring it out!