I recently overheard a conversation between super-agents Scott Boras and Drew Rosenhaus as they were finishing lunch. Not only a columnist, but also a reporter, I decided to take notes. The transcript:
Drew Rosenhaus: "So I say to him: ‘Plax, you're the only wide receiver client of mine who has yet to get into a scandal. You're a team player, right?' Next thing you know, I'm on ESPN fighting the suspension."
Scott Boras: "Brilliant. So he sided with his agency over his teammates. Capitalism at its best."
D.R.: "And that's precisely my point. The NFL and MLB are anticompetitive markets. In what other profession do you come out of college and have your employer, salary and location set for you? These leagues are monopolies."
S.B.: "Exactly. And so what if I've ruined baseball's drafting system by having amateurs demand sums of money that only certain teams can afford? And who cares if I lie in arbitration cases about a player's previous achievements? Sue me."
D.R.: "If only they would."
S.B.: "I know. I would win since I'm better at my job than anybody else is at theirs. These athletes, the most talented in the world, sign with me to make the money that they deserve. After that, I don't care if front offices or league officials or clients hate me. How do I go to sleep at night? On top of a mattress stuffed with cash. Look, I got A-Rod and Pedro Alvarez more money by making them do something they didn't want to do. The bottom line is that figure on the paycheck."
D.R.: "Word on that. And if I steal other agents' clients, well, I guess those agents should have been doing a better job in the first place. The NFL Players Association wants me to shut up, but if they were smart, they'd have Rosenhaus Sports run the union. I'm the best thing to happen to football players since the vertical pass. We are ambassadors of Kwan, am I right? We're just showing our clients the money."
S.B.: "I still can't believe that Tom Cruise made a movie about you."
D.R.: "You mean ‘Swingers?'" They high five. Upon touching each other, they immediately retract their hands as they feel a searing heat pass through their foreheads. "That was weird. But yeah, T.O. was my Rod Tidwell. I made Terrell Owens T.O. I brought him out of San Francisco, and where is he now? I gave him 25 million reasons to be alive."
S.B.: "And J.D. Drew is a richer person because of me. People hate that I got J. Dizzle not to sign with the Phillies when he was drafted. Well, turns out those $10 million demands would've been a bargain. And people were pissed he opted out of his L.A. contract? Then why were those provisions included in the first place? Why should players have loyalty to their teams? They're not the greedy ones. Owners are making money hand over fist and denying athletes what they deserve. If this were a free market, these guys would be making twice as much. Why do people love Ari Gold and hate us? You're just as big a jerk as he is."
D.R.: "Thanks! I also like to think T.O. and Clinton Portis are better actors than Vincent Chase. But we agents aren't middlemen. We're enablers. We enable players to sign big-money contracts and then we enable ourselves to our share."
S.B.: "I like the cut of your jib, sir. I, for one, can't wait to cash in on Manny's contract year. All right, I got work to do. You want to pick up the check?"
D.R.: "Five percent of it."
S.B.: "Good one. I'm not sure that even makes sense. Speaking of nonsense, whose idea was it to change his name to Chad Ocho Cinco? Did you not tell him how that would impact his marketing credibility?"
D.R.: "Hey, it's not always about the money."
S.B.: "Good one."
END.
Jeremy Greenhouse is a sophomore who has not yet declared a major. He can be reached at Jeremy.Greenhouse@tufts.edu.
