Op-Ed: The chicken salad sandwich: dangerously overrated

The chicken salad sandwich. A Kosher Deli staple. Most commonly ordered on a bagel; however, those in the know take it on flatbread because you get one and a half scoops instead of the measly one. “Have you tried the chicken salad at KD?” your roommate asks you freshman year. “It’s sooooo good. Oh my god, I love that KD chicken salad.” You know it. You love it. You wait in lines out the door for it. Well, I’m here to tell you, the chicken salad sandwich is the worst sandwich that the deli has to offer.

Did you hear that? That was the sound of you gasping in disbelief. “Heretic!” You scream as you slam your desk in the middle of class. Before you grab your pitchforks, let me explain. First, I’ll start with my credentials. I worked at the Kosher Deli the last two semesters. I spent hours upon hours scooping your salad, folding your salmon, toasting your bagels. Every slice of bread was an empty canvas upon which I poured veggies, meats and my soul. “Traitorous bastard,” you slip under your breath, “how dare you stab the kosher deli in the back like this!” I get it. I get why you’re mad. You’ve been brainwashed into the cult of chicken salad by the peer pressure of hundreds of other Jumbos ordering that same damn sandwich every day. I get it, you’re scared.

I’m here to save you, to lead you, to open your eyes. It’s time to break the shackles and leave the chicken salad cave behind, for beyond that peppery, celery-y, chickeny salad is the promised land. A land of smoked salmon on bagels, of Spicy Italians on white, a land of mushrooms, turkey and tofu. Free your buds! Let them experience life to its fullest. Let your tastebuds feel the burn of the pepper relish and the tingle of the dill mayo.

“Alright calm down, buddy, it’s just a sandwich,” you think, judging me for my obsession with sandwiches. But no, gosh darn it! The chicken salad cult is an epidemic on our campus that needs to be addressed. A chicken salad sandwich every now and then is healthy, but KD chicken salad addiction is a real thing on campus. People will wait 20 minutes in line, find out we’re out of chicken salad and just leave. “You want another type of sandwich?” I ask, hoping and praying their addiction hasn’t consumed them entirely. But, alas, my attempts to free the customer from the hive mind prove futile every damn time. “No,” the customer reports robotically, “I will wait for the chicken salad,” as my heart drops to my stomach.

It’s not just a matter of taste; the chicken salad tastes good. I’m not a fan of celery, but it tastes good. It’s a matter of missed opportunity. Of lack of creativity. People march on like sheep down the road of chicken salad, when they could be pioneers exploring the paths of pastrami.