Op-Ed: Challenging "outness" on National Coming Out Day

“When did you come out?”

Come out? Come out to whom? To where? What does “coming out” even mean, and why is it so important that I even come out? Isn’t it my business whom I decide to love? These are all things I think about when someone asks me about when I chose to emblazon it on my chest that "I Love Ladies;" they’re inquiries I believe everyone should consider when they think about coming out.

A lot of people I’ve met act like every queer person has to have a coming out story or else they’re not a real queer. This could not be more inaccurate. You are not a “fake” queer by not wanting to come out. There are a million reasons not to come out, and you should know that you are valid in your reasons for not wanting to come out — you still belong in the LGBTQ community no matter what. Honestly, coming out is a privilege that a lot of people do not have, and I’d like to recognize all those people who don’t have that privilege and really struggle with it. You are all still valid. You are all still queer enough.

The fact is, coming out isn’t always — or even often — a happy ending. Most queers I know have terrible coming out stories, and a lot of them wish they had stayed in the closet. I reject the idea that coming out is some magical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (pun intended); instead, maybe think about coming out as a big, complicated roller coaster on a track that constantly changes and that everyone experiences in different ways. Sometimes the roller coaster can be thrilling and fun, sometimes it can be terrifying, sometimes you want to get off the ride entirely and sometimes you don't even get in line.

You see, there are so many different ways to experience coming out. There’s coming out to friends, coming out to family, coming out on social media, at school, at work and even at Walgreens when you have to explain that you’re buying so many sour gummy worms to ask your girlfriend to prom (good times). It’s difficult to choose how “out” to be, because sometimes it’s safe to be out in some spaces but not in others. For example, you could be out at Tufts but not out to your family back home. You could be out to your cool professor and not out to that other professor who tries to slip Jesus into every lecture. Coming out is strategic, and you have to pick your spaces wisely.

That is, if you have the ability to pick a space. Many queer or transgender people are forced to come out simply because of outward appearance, and they don’t get to pick the spaces in which they are out. On the other hand, some people just don’t ever want to come out, and I applaud them — it takes a lot to stay in the closet, in the same way that it takes a lot to actually come out. Oftentimes I feel as though I only came out because society told me I had to and told me things would be easier if I did. This was only partly true. Being out is easy in some ways (like being able to introduce your girlfriend as your girlfriend and not as your "very platonic gal pal") and harder in others (like having to correct someone’s usage of your pronouns over and over and feel the exasperation seeping from their pores).

So how do you choose how out to be, especially on this daunting occasion called National Coming Out Day? To be honest, it’s up to you. Your own comfort levels and your own safety and happiness are most important. Keep your mental health at the forefront of your mind. There is no formula for coming out. There’s no right answer on the "gay test"; there’s no gay test in the first place, because you experience being queer how you experience being queer, not how I experience it or Adam Lambert experiences it or even how Ellen Degeneres experiences it. It takes a lot of bravery both to come out and to stay in the closet, and I want Tufts to recognize both groups of people (and people who are in the coming out limbo stage) on this day. Tufts students have consistently been about lifting up the experience of the individual, not the group, and we should continue to do so when it comes to the subject of outness.

So, queers, celebrate those who can be out today and celebrate those who can’t. Or, don’t celebrate today at all. All colors of the outness wheel are beautiful and vibrant, just like yourselves. Keep painting the world with all your fabulous hues, today and every day in the future.