Congressmen set personal tetris records, do nothing about guns

The New York Times addressed America’s gun epidemic this week in an editorial posted on the front page of the paper [ahem…front page…cough, cough managing board]. The paper called our country’s gun laws “a moral outrage and national disgrace.”

But New Jersey Governor and man whose last name is the female version of his first name Chris Christie was one of many to disagree with the New York Times, calling the editorial “typical liberal claptrap.” Christie opined that gun control policies don’t keep terrorists from attacking the United States, and he’s right -- gun control couldn’t possibly do a better job preventing terrorism than it does in its current form. After all, enemies of America have been quoted as saying, “Go to America? Do you know how many people die from guns there every day? What are you, insane?” Mission accomplished.

In an ironic twist, the presidential candidate went on to argue that the key to American safety is not gun control, but “greater intelligence.” Questioned further about his wording, he said, “No, no, not intelligence like IQ and reason and stuff. Like, surveillance. Still vote for me.”

Accentuating the escalating debate over gun violence and terrorism, a South Carolina resident was recently found to have between 7,000 and 10,000 guns in his home, which brings us to today’s pop quiz: Why did a South Carolina man have all this weaponry?

a)    Didn’t know about reloading

b)    Incredibly resilient inferiority complex

c)     Didn’t use a gift registry at a South Carolina wedding

d)    Pursuing Wal-Mart’s “Buy 10,000 Get One Free” Deal

e)    Keeps losing guns with camouflage paint scheme

f)     Stole them all for hoarding

Did you guess F? If so, nice! Police explained that the guns were stolen, and said, “No telling how many break-ins this will help wrap up.” You’d really think that, what with the point of guns being to protect your home from intruders, this guy would not be on such a hot streak. What happened to the old adage, “the only thing that can stop a bad guy with 10,000 guns is a good guy with 10,000 guns”?

In an effort to curb acts of terror perpetrated with guns like that in San Bernardino last week, President Obama and Democrats have pushed legislation that would bar suspected terrorists on the no-fly list from buying guns. But the vote is expected never to happen, as critics explain that some people are accidentally put on the no-fly list, including one 18-month old baby in 2012. The baby may have been put on the list after attempting to take down a plane carrying mashed potatoes toward his mouth.

Speaking of his no-fly status, the baby explained to Reuters reporters, “gah-gah, goo-goo, second amendment, gah-goo,” which translates to, “if you take my gun, I’m going to make a dirty diaper.” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan echoed that point, calling the proposed legislation to bar no-fly individuals from buying guns “a distraction." Now, if Obama would just stop distracting Congress, it could go back to doing absolutely nothing.