Trump feels terrorism in his gut; turns out to be gas

Four days after the Paris attacks, Donald Trump explained to a crowd in Tennessee that he has an uncanny ability to see terrorism coming. He pointed to the fact that in his 2000 book, he described Osama Bin Laden as a “shadowy figure.” His unique ability to identify villains is the reason no one likes to go to movies with him — only a few murders into “Friday the 13th” (1980), he had already divined that the guy in the mask was the bad guy (ironically, though, he took until the end of “Zero Dark Thirty” (2009) to figure that one out).

He explained to the screaming crowd of extreme conservatives and alternative students looking to be ironic, “I predicted terrorism because I can feel it. I can feel it like a good location.” That gut feeling Trump referred to turned out to be indigestion, but his prediction of terror was actualized when he soon after released a deadly gas attack.

Elaborating on his prediction, Trump continued, “No sensible analyst rejects this possibility.” How bold Trump once was, having the chops to come out and publicly say something that no sensible analyst rejected. Since that strategy failed in the 2000 elections, he’s trying something new this time around: saying exclusively things that every sensible analyst rejects.

For example, sensible people gasped last week when he crudely impersonated the physical disability of a New York Times reporter. The same people have also been taken aback by his campaign-long impersonation of a candidate with severe mental issues. Bigots, egomaniacs and people who are just generally huge dicks are offended that Trump has carried out such a caricature of them.  


But Trump isn’t backing down. When the New York Times called his impression “outrageous,” he responded by assailing them in a Twitter rant, saying, “The failing @nytimes published…yesterday three boring articles, today two!” Shocking, I know — Donald Trump read five articles!

Among the stories that bored Trump was probably the one showing him to have installed a plaque at his golf club, inscribed with a 100 percent fabricated story commemorating Civil War soldiers dying at that location. He’s right to be bored by it– stories about him making things up have become mundane. He’d prefer something more unexpected, like “Sun Rises in East, Sets in West,” or less elitist — “Liberal News Media Too High, Mighty to Use Word ‘And.’”

Trump explained to the Tennessee crowd: “It’s about vision, folks. It’s about vision,” and he’s the only presidential candidate with 20/20 hindsight foresight — the unique ability to look back in time and predict things that have already happened.