Biden Still Mulling Over Whether to Enter Benghazi Hearings

Last week, Congress held its 21st hearing on the Benghazi affair. Four more and they get a free hearing! With Thanksgiving coming up, it was nice to see members of the House spend 11 hours on a Thursday yelling at each other.

But some questions totally ensnared Hillary:

“Would you not not say that you are not not not NOT personally responsible for everything bad, ever?”

“If you had a gun with one bullet, and you were in a room with Benghazi mastermind Ahmed Abu Khatalla and Adolf Hitler, who would you nag harder while waiting two weeks for your firearm background check?”

“On a scale of 9.5-10, how much treason do you commit per day?”

Republicans are right to be suspicious. Hillary is clearly trying to hide something, albeit incredibly ineffectively. Asked in August if she wiped her email server, she responded “Like with a cloth or something?” Apparently, after Yale Law, Hillary attended the Derek Zoolander School of Computing, where she learned that wiping the server with a cloth would just smudge all her documents. Hillary clearly doesn’t get how memory works, which explains why after the attack, she got a concussion after “fainting.” More like trying to wipe her memory “with the ground or something”.

Unfortunately for Hillary’s poll numbers, a Michael Bay movie based on the book 13 Hours in Benghazi will come out before the election. Scared for her image, Clinton’s campaign is releasing a counter-film called 13 Hours At Ben Ghazi’s, a rom-com featuring Hillary as her ultra presidential self and Jason Segel as Ben Ghazi, the affable campaign donor who hosts amazing slumber parties.

Also bad for Hillary’s numbers is Republicans’ persistent focus on her alone. In its last report, the Benghazi committee didn’t mention President Obama once, since Obama is totally old news. For the committee, female is the new black. That’s why the report made 36 mentions of Clinton, or She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Yet there was no mention of terror group Ansar al-Sharia, known by retired Navy admiral James Lyons as That-Which-Is-Hard-To-Name. After the attack, Lyons went on Fox and called it “Ansar al — the terror group that conducted the attack.” The same Lyons also conspired that Obama may have orchestrated the terror attack. How does someone so misinformed attain four-star status as an admiral in the Navy? Yelp had the answer. Apparently, “Admiral Lyons has a fantastic atmosphere, and his naval experience is exquisite. Unfortunately, at times he can be just a tad obtuse and offensive. Also, a bit pricey. Overall, four stars!”

Hillary spent all 11hours in the hot seat, but many eyes were set on a second hot seat that Republicans had set up in case Vice President Joe Biden chose to jump into the witch-hunt. After spending 10 hours in the hallway contemplating, Biden decided to run…away from the House at full speed. Also in the hallway was Bernie Sanders, waving his hands like he was doing karate against invisible capitalists and screaming that “the top 10 percent of the top 1 percent of Democratic candidates are harassed in hearings more than the bottom 90 percent combined!”