Conservatives: Boehner too soft

Right wing: JOHN BOEHNER IS BAD!

Democrats: Yeah, cool, I think we’re on the same page on this one.

Right wing: DOWN WITH BOEHNER!

Democrats: Yeah! Down with him!

Right wing: A REAL REPUBLICAN INSTEAD!

Democrats: Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Nevermind. We take it back. Boehner is fine. Guys?

Right wing: TOO LATE! GOVERNMENT MUST GO! CITIES WILL BE RUN BY THE MAN WHO CAN SCREAM THE LOUDEST AAAAAAAOOAAHHHHHHHH!

That’s kind of the conversation transpiring in the House of Representatives, as pressure from the right flank has compelled Speaker of the House John Boehner to resign. Boehner has scheduled his departure for Oct. 30, which can’t be a coincidence. You don’t just coincidentally leave your job the day before Halloween. Not when you finally have an opportunity to wear that “slutty Speaker of the House” outfit that everyone complained about at work (honestly, if you’re not going to let people dress casually, stop calling it casual Friday).

A recent Republican campaign against Planned Parenthood has left the party torn, as those labeling the organization “super duper horrible” have come under fire from those, like the House Freedom Caucus, labeling it “super duper duper horrible." After Boehner hinted that he might not shut down the government in protest of federal funding for Planned Parenthood, the House Freedom Caucus pounced. Here’s the thing they’re missing: Boehner is the second of 12 children. I promise, no one in the Boehner household uses contraceptives, let alone supports abortion. Their family tree is like something out of "Avatar" (2009).

Republican scorn for Planned Parenthood comes despite the breakdown of its services being 34 percent contraception, 42 percent STD treatment and three percent abortion. Asked to comment on this breakdown, the House Freedom Caucus issued the following press release: “While we are aware that 97 percent of Planned Parenthood services are non-abortion health services, we maintain that ‘boys rule, and girls drool’, so we stand by our position to defund.” So much has been put into legislative writing in bill S.1881, named for the last year it might have been popularly supported.

The thorn in the Republican Party’s side is 30 to 40 extreme conservatives, and they're not extreme in the cool way, like the X-Games, or doing 'shrooms, or (OMG YO) both at the same time??? Extreme in the sense that they think the U.S. government is a Nintendo 64, and if it’s ever acting screwy, you can fix it by just turning it off and turning it on again.

Former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan, perhaps the last hope for the torn Republicans, has steadfastly shut down requests to serve as Speaker, recognizing that the position involves bipartisan dialogue, a.k.a. politics-cooties. He has dodged, ducked, dipped, dived and dodged again Boehner’s pleas, saying he’s grateful for the support he’s received, but that the Speakership is “a good job for an empty-nester." Unfortunately for Boehner, Ryan has three children and two amazing biceps to spend time with at home.