The Tufts Daily Show: The Good, the Bad, and the Dummies

Here’s a shocker: not every voter is particularly pensive about the quality of their presidential pick. In the words of Stephen Colbert (may his “Report” R.I.P.), these voters make decisions on the next leader of the free world not with their brains, but with their guts. It’s that command center that daylights as a poop-production facility.

They use their guts to determine the candidate with which they could most easily share a beer — or, in Tufts elections, 1.75 liters of vodka from a plastic container. Romney lost in 2012 because he wasn’t the man to share a pint with. Aside from beer being against his religion (Mormon) and not his drink of choice (appletini), most people were pretty sure a drop of any alcohol would short-circuit his wiring.

Malcolm Gladwell’s “Blink” (2005) testifies to the occasional power of “thinking without thinking.” That strategy is supposed to be saved for a pinch, though. Presidential announcements began 18 months before Super Tuesday. Not exactly making us chew it over with a Twix. Here’s a handy way of remembering when to utilize snap judgments:

Just let out an audible fart at your Tinder date’s apartment and need to choose whether to make it a joke? Snap judge it up!

Have approximately two years to decide who is most fit to run the country? Try thinking with thinking!

Every major candidate seems to be missing something crucial. It’s sort of like The Wizard of Oz. Hillary goes to the wizard and says, “I need a heart…and some humor because of a pledge my aides made.” “OK, I’ll give them to your SuperPAC.”

Jeb goes to the wizard and says, “I need a brain, Mr. Wizard.”

Trump goes to the wizard and demands, “Gimme whatever you got. I’ll slap my name on it and sell it for a tremendous profit.”

Every time Trump puts his foot in his mouth he realizes he loves the taste of his own feet, and everyone applauds him for it. 24% of Republicans now see him as their best shot at winning the Gold House (let’s not pretend he wouldn’t paint the White House gold).

Here are some hypothetical Trump debate answers that could make the debate a cinch for him:

A: “I’d like to buy a vowel, and that vowel is ‘I’, because I am positively the change America needs right now (Republicans/fans of Wheel of Fortune go wild).

A: I can assure you that a vote for Trump would be VERY lit (frats go wild).

A: *Coherent string of words intentionally related to politics* (analysts’ expectations are smashed, columns go wild).

There is a problem with our political decision-making. The message at any campaign event is hatred for contemporary D.C., despite a 90 percent congressional reelection rate. On one hand, ideological differences are positive things. On the other hand, our political entrenchment isn’t due to ideological differences alone. Many a Congressman would forego many a humanitarian effort were it politically unwise.

Five percent of Congressmen are without a college diploma, and that’s fine – better a Scarecrow than a Tinman in the Oval Office. Recognizing this now may be the difference between a White House and a White Hotel.


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