Punt Your Way to the Top

Dear Super Bowl viewers,

The biggest day for sports enthusiasts in America is soon upon us. Beer. Wings. Yelling. Butt slapping. Nothing brings the nation together better than this annual event of pure hedonism and steadfast rivalry. Except for people who have no idea what the hell is ever going on during football. The game of strategy just looks like a bunch of stocky men falling over and then walking around for five minutes afterwards. Janice Jackson’s nip slip will forever remain the highlight of any Super Bowl event. Since New England has made it this year, I’ve been brainstorming some ideas for the not football-inclined to entertain themselves.

It’s safe to assume that most football fans are also fans of meat. Papa John and Peyton Manning’s alarming bromance proves it: Peyton only wants the Meat Lover’s combo John! So for your own personal entertainment, invite all your favorite carnivorous, Patriot-fan friends over for a meatless viewing party. And don’t tell any of them before. Offer all of the boys your famous burgers! Famous wheat meat seitan reduced fat and calorie, low sugar, Free Trade certified organic burgers, to be exact. All your girlfriends will remark that the Buffalo wings taste a bit odd. Did you forget to cook them long enough? No silly, they’re just tofurkey flaxseed oven roasted big bites! The kids may want to go for something a bit simpler, like some grilled cheese. Surprise, no dairy for those little rascals! Fresh panini made from aged raw nut cheese with some homemade, fermented seltzer to wash it down. Additionally, zero alcohol allowed. Who wants beer when you could have a cold-pressed kale and butternut squash smoothie with curry? Dessert offerings will be farm grade horse oats for that natural fiber feel.

Speaking of farms, another option would be encouraging some livestock betting. The day after the game is often treacherous for many fans who chose to gamble on the losing team, losing egregious sums of money. Saving your friends’ souls and wallets, instead encourage a good ol’ fashion round of “the chicken drop.” Pick up some chickens the morning of the party (preferably some cage-free poultry). Give everyone a number to pick while they gasp in awe over the fact that you meant real chickens at the party instead of rotisserie. Drop the chicken on a board with the numbers, and the number the chicken eventually defecates on wins! This is ideal for any anti-Super Bowl party, because the excitement of eggs and possible cockfights will keep everyone distracted from the game. The winner also keeps the chicken, so you get the satisfaction of giving a gift that just keeps on giving. A couple rounds in your guests won’t even remember what a Seattle Seahawk is.

If animals don’t exactly jive with you, fret not. Turn to technology. Or should I say, turn back technology. Many of your friends will be super excited at the prospect of the Super Bowl at your house because of that absolutely gigantic plasma screen you barely snatched up during Black Friday. Before your party, swap that modern masterpiece with a TV guaranteeing a blast from that past. I’m talking early-’70s, black-and-white dial TV. Some may think high definition is a luxury, but you’re bending the rules once again: colored picture is premium now. Also, toss your cable box for the day for a pair of rabbit ear antennas. No one will be able to even pick up the signal until the third quarter, guaranteed.

One may raise the point that these tendencies may be cruel and misguiding, false advertising of the actual Super Bowl. Screw that. A chicken pooping is infinitely more fun.