Beyond XY

Many people view top surgery as a transformative experience from which a new person emerges. While top surgery will impact my life tremendously, I do not view the procedure as a transformation at all. As a gender non-conforming identified person, I acknowledge the experience of living a sexual and gender duality. I recognize the capabilities and limitations that my ydy has in terms of encompassing all of my gender identity. For me, that means embracing the combination of comfort with my sexual anatomy, but discomfort with the breasts that take away from the masculine aesthetic that I express. The physical change that I intend to undergo will not alter the person I have been, but it will close the gap between what I experience internally and how that is reflected in my physique. What I look forward to most about the outcome of this is wholly experiencing myself in the mirror of my self-reflection.

A long journey of self discovery, exploration and affirmation of my boihood has brought me to this point in my life. From the time of my childhood, I have felt the influence of my preferred gender expression -- along with its consequences. It was mysterious to me that the importance of frills and “feminine” behavior outweighed the feelings that I actually had towards what I wanted to do. Being excommunicated by half of my family when I came out at the age of fifteen taught me that who I am and what is imposed on me will be a conflict that I encounter for the rest of life. This is a common sentiment among those who are not under the umbrella of heteronormativity, but the internal battle between my sex and gender identity was a crisis that I did not find much support for. The curvy lumps on my chest made my face burn at every examination in the mirror. I felt like I was in the middle of an ambiguous place, welcoming of my biological sex but incredibly frustrated by the breasts that interfered with my masculine expression. Today, explaining the fluidity of my identity is still a challenge that I face, but I have become comfortable in vocalizing LGBTQ concerns as a student activist and educator. I share my story and experiences, but also advocate for human rights through youth outreach, events on college campuses and work with LGBTQ organizations. This active role that I have taken in my life has encouraged me to think beyond the confines of what society and my own body have afforded me. I have come to terms with my physical body as a half-complete representation of myself, but I have also learned that settling is not the way to achieve self and outward acceptance. This surgery is a turning point in my journey because my physical changes will be a concrete symbol of the challenges, learning and self-love that I’ve experienced. I will be empowered by the outward expression of an identity I have felt my whole life, and that opportunity is invaluable to me.

This surgery is not a step for me, but rather the full necessary change that will make me comfortable in my skin and mind. I feel that my surgery is important because it is a representation of the broad spectrum that the word “transgender” refers to. The fact that I am not a female-to-male individual does not take away from the physical anxiety I feel within a body that does not encompass my personal identity. I am proud to push the boundaries of gender by being a non-conforming person, and I will be even more proud to bear that limitlessness in my physicality. On Dec. 8, 2014 my life will change completely and happily.