Dear Jack and Hannah,
I've heard the legend of the underground kitchen between Dewick and Hodgdon. Is it real?
Sincerely,
Hungry in Haskell
Dear Hungry,
We only wish we could disclose the true nature of what lies beneath those concrete steps between Dewick and Hodgdon, but unfortunately we aren't at liberty to say anything on the subject. If there were to be such a tunnel, however, it might operate something like this:
First, think of all the things you like about Tufts dining downhill, whether it's the pastries in Hodgdon or General Gau's in Dewick. Then imagine a place where all of those things cross paths on a sort of moving sidewalk/four lane highway/Suez Canal of culinary excellence. Hypothetically, the construction of this tunnel years ago would have led to an epicurean explosion, the likes of which had never been seen before. Because students wouldn't be able to access this mysterious underground space, it would provide a space for staff and even faculty to gripe about their least favorite students over Charles/MGHs with a side of sweet potato puffs. The legendary Dewick bar also may or may not have been moved into this space to open up room on the upper floor and also to provide cold refreshment to the jaded employees of academia.
For a brief spell, however, a select group of students was privy to the wonders of Dewodgdon. Not just any students, though. No, these young lads and lasses were handpicked by the curators of this mecca of campus dining for their academic excellence, athletic prowess, social mastery and reading comprehension. For seven grueling weeks, these brave young men and women were subject to a series of challenges meant to test their loyalty and ability to keep a secret.
Wait - we mentioned that this is all hypothetical, right?
Anyway, not everyone made it through. For some, it took up too much time and the pressure was too great. Some buckled, others fell. One reportedly cracked and fled the rituals, only to be found three hours later hugging the bench lady statue in Tisch, asking for his mother and a Davis Square on white. But for those who made it through, the reward was sweet. These students would meet weekly, sometimes biweekly, to dine under the crystal chandeliers of Dewodgdon and muse over the merits of an unfettered civil democratic society over gin and tonics while hosting foreign dignitaries and the nice card-swipe ladies of Hodgdon, courtesy of the IR department.
They also had access to the delivery service, which ran until 4 a.m. seven days a week.
Also, it's always stocked with guacamole and Nutella.
Have you ever seen a real-life dragon? These students have.
Dewodgon could never be open to the general public. Just think back to fates of Atlantis, El Dorado and GanggaNegara. It was clear from the start that something so good had to be kept a secret. So if your dishwashing friends try to convince you that the tunnel is a mere common dumping ground for Dewick and Hodgdon compost, just smile and nod. They mean well.
Just remember, none of this is actually true. Trust us; we would know. We also had to make a blood oath swearing that we would say that.
*Remember to keep your questions coming! They sustain us. Find our emails just a few lines down.
Jack Webster and Hannah Furgang are freshmen who have not yet declared majors. Jack can be reached at John.Webster@tufts.edu and Hannah can be reached at Hannah.Furgang@tufts.edu.
