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The Tufts Daily
Where you read it first | Friday, March 29, 2024

A humble suggestion: A satire

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Most people already know it, so it might as well be stated publicly. The only true way to raise a child - that is, the only way to ensure that a child has a proper upbringing and will be well−adjusted - is to have the mother and father raise the child. Now, that is not to say that it is impossible for a person to be maladjusted with a mother and father; rather, the only way to have a chance at being well adjusted is if a child has both a mother and father. It is with this premise in mind that I humbly suggest that the following laws be applied to every citizen in the United States who has at least one child under the age of 18.

First and foremost, we must outlaw divorce. This one is pretty simple. Divorce puts a terrible strain on the life of a child. If we truly care about children, we will adopt a ban on divorce. Divorce deprives a child of having both a mother and a father under one roof. Remarrying after divorce is unfortunately not a solution, as divorce rates increase for each successive marriage after the first failed marriage. Also, the prospect of having two mothers and two fathers or some combination thereof is confusing for the child, because the child will then learn that it is OK to have more than one mother or more than one father. Undoubtedly, this will prove detrimental to the upbringing of the child. Additionally, the child will learn that it is OK to divorce a spouse when things do not work out. After all, a child with divorced parents is more likely to divorce a spouse than a child who did not experience divorce. This endless cycle of divorce must stop now or else it will continue to destroy childhoods in America.

The next step is to prohibit single−parenthood by forcing single parents to marry their children's mother or father. A brief examination of television today (MTV, specifically) will prove to even the most casual of observers that there are a shockingly high number of teenage moms and dads in today's society. This is symptomatic of a society in its decline, in that it often means that the child will be deprived of having both a mother and a father.

In order to curb this rampant string of pregnancies, we must do one of two things. We could put into law a ban on intercourse unless a child is to be conceived, or we could force the mother to marry the father. Of those two options, forced marriage is the best option; let's face it, banning intercourse will never happen. This might seem a tad draconian, but according to David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values, a child has the best chance at being well−adjusted when raised by the birth parents. After all, there is no nobler an act than putting a child's needs first and protecting the child from harm. It is not enough to be there to catch the child when he falls into the rye. We must build a fence around the rye to prevent the fall from happening in the first place.

The last step is the implementation of a compulsory remarriage policy in the event of the death of a spouse. While some may object, I remind you that the wedding vows taken are "Till death do us part," not "Never shall us part." Once this unfortunate parting occurs, the widow or widower should find a suitable replacement husband or wife. This might seem contradictory to a previous point that remarrying is bad. However, it's not at all. The previous statement that remarrying is bad applies only to marrying a new spouse after a divorce or allowing a child to have two mothers or two fathers. But in cases of remarrying after the death of a parent, the child has already lost a mother or a father, and remarrying would allow for the replacement of that lost role.

Needless to say, the new spouse of the widow or widower in the forced remarriage would have to be to someone who also lost a spouse and preferably someone who also has child. This has the added benefit of giving the child a sibling, as siblings can be a helpful part of the child's upbringing. It might occur to some of you that we should force parents to have multiple children to ensure that the child has at least one sibling. However, this would be unreasonable. It takes money to raise a child and sometimes parents do not have enough money to raise more than one.

Ladies and gentleman of the world, the time is now. We know in our hearts - and in our minds - that the child must have both a mother and a father to have a chance at having a proper upbringing. We must act swiftly and demand that our Congress pass laws outlawing divorce, forcing single mothers and fathers to marry and forcing widows and widowers to remarry. Anything less harms the children and therefore harms the future of this country. For the sake of the child, and our own sakes, we must do this.

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