In the last few days, Sen. John McCain's (R-Ariz) campaign has been criticized for distorting the truth, obfuscating the facts and, in some cases, just making stuff up. We at the Daily thought it only fair to even the score.
To begin with, McCain's much-touted war record has come under fire of late. In addition to allegations that his "cross in the sand" story was directly stolen from Alexander Solzhenitsyn's account of his times in the Soviet gulags, it has been alleged that the torture he went through in the Hanoi Hilton was actually a thoroughly relaxing five-year stay at the Anoi Hilton in Hawaii. While there, he is said to have been discourteous to the staff, offensive toward the female guests and reluctant to pay for frequent viewings of pornographic slides at the penny arcade.
But the stories don't stop there. Speculation has run rampant that John McCain is Bristol Palin's baby-daddy, due to the fetus' uncanny prenatal resemblance to a gopher. While Gov. Sarah Palin (R-Alaska) has repeatedly rejected the allegations, the vehemence of her denials has been interrupted by her recent trip home to Alaska in order to have coffee with Vladimir Putin, who is her next-door neighbor and a close personal friend.
McCain has said that his greatest personal shortcoming was the failure of his first marriage, which ended after McCain revealed to his wife, who had been disfigured in a devastating car accident, that he had engaged in an affair with his current wife Cindy. He has also made note of his other sexual escapades: He dated a stripper called the "Flame of Florida," encouraged Cindy to compete in a wet T-shirt contest and, while on a state visit to Great Britain, tried to kiss Queen Elizabeth on the mouth.
Though McCain has recently said that his rival's support for a bill to protect children from sexual predators was an inappropriate attempt to teach sex ed to kindergarteners, he omits the fact that not only did he himself vote to teach sex ed to kindergarteners, but he also personally arrived uninvited to numerous kindergarten classrooms and demanded to show the kids how to put a condom on a banana. Every child subsequently became pregnant.
At a time when the economy is of paramount concern, McCain's economic history is also unsettling. While most Americans worried about their mortgages, McCain bankrupted Freddie Mac and had an affair with Fannie Mae from which she has never recovered.
And that's not all. He framed O.J. Simpson, bombed the USS Cole, sank the Titanic, shot Kennedy from the grassy knoll, and once had a fifteen-minute conversation with Osama bin Laden at a cocktail party, the tone of which was later described as "cordial."
He ratted out Anne Frank, broke up the Beatles, shot Old Yeller, forgot the Alamo, burns flags, clubs seals, eats puppies, snorts coke, loves terrorists, and hates the good ol' USA.
There have been many rumors and allegations put out over the last several months by the McCain campaign. We at the Daily just thought that voters should have all the facts.
Your move, Senator.
