It's the end of the date, and dinner is coming to a close. Everything is going smoothly, until the waiter drops the check off at the table and things pause for a second. Who's supposed to grab the check?
It's an age−old debate, balancing feminist equality and classic male traditionalism. Nowadays, it's completely acceptable for a woman to ask a guy on a date and pick up the tab. However, men pay for more dates overall and often feel that paying is the polite thing to do. Even in same−sex dating, questions arise about who pays and what is owed for a date.
It's impossible to draw the line on the issue because people feel so differently (and strongly) about the subject. However, allow me to throw out my theory, then take a look at a few other opinions.
First off, let me just say that paying on dates is not a big deal.
No, really. People seem to worry about this a lot, but down the line, no one's going to remember who paid on a date. If you end up going on multiple dates, paying/not paying/splitting one time is not going to make a difference in the long run.
That being said, my philosophy is up the same alley as the majority of same−sex couples that I've talked to — I think that the date−paying burden lies on whoever did the date−asking. If you asked someone on a date, you're "taking them out" and therefore should expect to pay.
In my opinion, dating in general should be an honest back−and−forth: If someone asks you on a date and it goes well, you should probably ask him or her on the next one. Likewise, once you're into the dating routine, paying for dates should also trade off.
It's not a rule, but more of a guideline that helps so that not only one person is paying all the time.
The tricky part is dealing with people who feel differently than you do about the paying situation and the dozens of nuances that go along with each date.
Many people are in the splitting−the−check camp. I prefer not to split because I feel a little awkward ending dinner by dealing with money at the table, but I'm not opposed to it. I just think the back−and−forth works a little better, but if my date wants to split, it's not an issue.
On the other hand, and specifically for heterosexual dating, a lot of guys always expect to pay. I have a number of guy friends who say that they would never let a woman take the check on a first date, even if she asked him on the date.
If a guy insists on paying, even if I asked him out or if it's my "turn" to pay, I'm not going to argue about it, but simply thank him and not make it a big deal. A little teasing might be in order though, and I'll make a point to grab the check first on the next date.
What I really don't understand are women who expect to be paid for all of the time. Isn't it a little a little weird to tell a guy to take you out and expect him to pay? Or never to reach for your wallet on a date? The 21st century is a little different than the 1940s, when women weren't expected to have jobs. But I guess there are plenty of couples for whom this situation works, so who am I to judge?
Eventually, all couples settle into a paying routine, trading or traditional (or non−traditional!), and it seems that things work out no matter your personal theory.
Most importantly, when in doubt or overwhelmed by nuances, always offer and just play it by ear.
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Emily is a senior majoring in engineering psychology. She can be reached at Emily.Maretsky@tufts.edu.
