In the middle of August, incoming Jumbos receive a highly anticipated envelope from the Office of Residential Life and Learning (ORLL). Below every light−blue Tufts letterhead is one name that will be remembered: the roommate. For some students, it is the name of their new best friend and, potentially, future best man or bridesmaid. However, for many Jumbos, the irreconcilable differences begin shortly after moving in. Living in a college environment that's characterized by excessive partying, promiscuous activity and loud music, roommates often find themselves faced with two options: negotiation or succession.
If done skillfully, the former can help to reduce tension between roommates. According to Senior Lecturer in Psychology Sinaia Nathanson, who is currently teaching a seminar in Interpersonal Conflict and Negotiation, conflicts don't need to ruin relationships. "What we know from studies is that many conflicts can be negotiated by using problemsolving strategies and creative solutions," she said.
The key to solving such quarrels is as simple as just talking with one's roommate. "The most important thing is to maintain productive communication, and to listen in a supportive manner," Nathanson said. However, there are many aspects to consider when negotiating.
When facing roommate issues, "try to depersonalize them and avoid blame. Also, try to define the conflict as a mutual problem," Nathanson added. "Use empathic statements and be in control of your own emotions. However, when conflicts are very complex or there are multiple parties involved, the best thing is to involve a trusted third party."
According to the Assistant Director of Community and Judicial Affairs, Carrie Ales, roommates' resident assistants (RA) may serve as such mediatord. "If [the roommates] live in a staffed residence hall, they can ask their RA or their resident director to help facilitate conversation. Sometimes students just need an unbiased person to help them talk through the issues," Ales said.
There are many ways to de−escalate conflicts. "One way to diffuse a conflict is to use humor. Also, roommates should seek areas of shared interests. Both humor and some kind of social connection are going to reduce the number and level of conflicts," Nathanson said.
Fortunately, many Jumbos recognize the value of communication. "[My roommate and I] are very open with each other, so conflict never arises," sophomore Joshua Ross said.
Sophomore Sara Matasci emphasized the importance of roommates helping each other out. "We share everything. Although we have different sleep schedules, we are comfortable with each other and can talk anything out," she said.
As a last resort, roommates can opt to change residence halls. "It is up to the student to decide if they are unable to remain in their current room after speaking with [his or her] roommate and a staff member. [The student] then may change rooms if space is available," Ales said.
Even if roommate relations are strong, it can be best to write a formal contract before conflicts occur. "[A contract] is a place where roommates should discuss each other's schedules; declare expectations and formulate rules and procedures that everyone agrees with. It's also a place where many ‘what if' questions should be addressed. Another thing to include in the contract is how to resolve future conflicts, as it's very important to think ahead," Nathanson said.
"Conflicts are inevitable in every relationship, whether there are differences or not," Nathanson said. How roommates choose to handle such problems can work to transform a dorm room into a peaceful retreat or a bitter battlefield.
