Dear SOS,
Whenever I'm in the libz, I always seem to face the same dilemma: how to eat without disrupting my own studies, as well as those of my peers. Whenever I get hungry, I forge for sustenance at the Tower Café but return to my cubby only to receive withering glances immediately upon chowing down. What are the best foods to eat that will tide me over and help me avoid the evil glances of my fellow libberz? Sincerely, Raucously Ravenous Dear Raucously Ravenous,
After three years of dealing with the same predicament, I can safely say I've come to some conclusions about the nighttime nosh at the Tower. For one: those mini-sandwiches must be disassembled from their straight-jacket-esque plastic casings before entering back into the den of silence ... No one wants to study to the sound of tuna salad presents being opened on Christmas morning. And if you absolutely can't live without something to munch on, pls choose Sun Chips -- they provide a far more subtle crunch than those of the Pita variety. Ultimately, though, in my experience, I've come to regard the muffin as the most satisfying and discrete of the library larder.
But I've recently had a couple of experiences that have led me to a revelation: Eating a muffin is like eating an Oreo -- everyone has a different opinion about which is the right way to do it, and sometimes the zaniest way may actually be the best (reference the Parent Trap remake -- Oreos with peanut butter are now my own personal Jesus). After much research, I have concluded that there are at least three ways to beast those baked goods.
The first, most standard method (often employed by women), involves picking off bite-size pieces for slow and steady consumption. Some prefer to remove the paper and begin with the bottom (and save the best, a.k.a the muffin top, for last), others choose to dig right into the top, but either way, I'd recommend keeping the muffin in the provided bag, so as not to end up with any violating vestige.
The second method, often touted by members of the male population is "the biting tactic." Although I highly disapprove of biting certain foods (i.e. popsicles, ice cream, and, uh, muffins), some people swear by this process. In fact, just the other day, I discovered there was a muffin biter within my own social circle. I sat with him in the Tower, not really expecting anything out of the ordinary, when all of the sudden, after he had removed the paper covering, he proceed to take the muffin straight to the face -- taking a shark-like bite out of both the top and the undesired bottom, simultaneously. Out. Of. Control.
Another male friend of mine, after scoffing at the idea of biting both the top and the bottom, shared his tactic with me: the "twist and bite," where one removes the muffin top from the bottom by a twisting technique and then bites each part of it, individually.
The final approach I will divulge is decidedly the most elusive of the three, yet potentially the most efficient, involving a fork and knife. Recently, I had an entirely accidental discovery of this methodology: Flash back to yesterday at the Towa, when I was telling a friend about my imminent column. "You must have heard about the way I eat my muffins, then," she said, laughing.
Shaking my head, I looked at her in disbelief as she started to unwrap the paper, then cut the top from the bottom, methodically. From there, my eyes widened as she proceeded to cut the entire muffin into edible, bite-sized cubes and consume it from there. Although this may have been the ultimate way to avoid greasy hands and crumb-ridden computers, it certainly did not save her from the incredulous stares -- at least on my part.
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