Last semester, I wrote this column with my friend Sam, and we aimed chiefly to provide entertainment. This semester, Sam has sought greener pastures and is looking to pursue “academics” with an eye on securing a “real job someday.” I, on the other hand, am loyal.
In light of this development, I would like to take Potty Talk in a slightly different direction. Instead of reviewing bathrooms such as those in the dungeons of Granoff or the penthouses of Ballou, I will review the bathrooms that Tufts students can successfully access during a 75-minute lecture without anyone noting their absence.
To achieve this goal, I will need to take a more systematic approach than I have in the past. I will lay out four key factors and rate each on a scale from 1–10; the average of those scores will be the bathroom’s overall score. The factors are ambiance, privacy, convenience and how many things I have to touch. I will demonstrate the use of my rubric by rating the bathrooms outside of the ASEAN auditorium.
AMBIANCE
Scant decor leaves the bathroom goer feeling a bit empty. I suggest upping the ASEAN connection with collectible statuettes of world leaders. In the meantime, it gets a 3/10 on decor.
PRIVACY
Privacy is undoubtedly the toughest category for this bathroom, as it belongs to the “doubly locked lavatory” genre. Even though the bathroom’s lone stall has a lock — a pretty run-of-the-mill safety measure — the outer door also has a lock. Upon entering the bathroom, you have to make the split-second decision of either locking the outer lock and affording yourself maximum privacy or leaving the outer door open for some peer to come and wait just outside the stall.
Leaving the outer door open may be beneficial to those who are more social, as it increases the likelihood of a chance encounter, but most of us will elect to lock the outer door, and in so doing, run the risk of being called “antisocial.” While this bathroom has the potential to achieve a truly excellent score here, giving the user the burden of choice lowers it to a solid 7/10.
CONVENIENCE
A great bathroom to know about for walks around campus, as it lies on Packard Avenue, right next to the Academic Quad. It is especially notable because it is on many students’ paths back from Fresh at Carmichael, whose gluten-free menu has an impressive source of fiber. It gets a 9/10 on convenience.
HOW MANY THINGS DO I HAVE TO TOUCH
This bathroom is old-fashioned, which is great for those who want a tactile bathroom experience but unfortunate for hygiene. The lack of automation and the two hand-operated locks force me to score it a 2/10 here.
Overall, this bathroom gets a 5.5/10. It may not be the pride of the ASEAN alliance, but it is certainly a welcome sight after that one last bite of cauliflower gratin.
