I was pretty angry for many of these last few days. Anger is an easy but supremely unhelpful emotion. I was angry that I failed my editors by not meeting my deadline (I didn’t publish a column last week). And I am angry because each day I’ve been failing at the values I outlined at the beginning of the column. I haven’t been curious, but judgmental. Instead of being vulnerable, I’ve put armor around me. I’ve been far from optimistic. I’m consistently vague in my thinking and task lists. Most importantly I haven’t put in any kind of effort towards compassion, kindness and generosity.
In other words, I was in a pretty bad place these past couple of weeks. Even when I felt like everything was set up for success, I failed to really get going at anything, stuck in simple, compulsive distractions or drowning in habitual self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors. It was especially frustrating because, as mentioned in my previous column, this semester is my last hurrah, and I wanted it to be amazing.
Only hours ago I was swimming in self-pity, that oh-so-addictive state we like to wade in to gain some dopamine hit, numb the pain and remove ourselves from reality, responsibility and agency. There’s something instantly gratifying about victimizing yourself, exaggerating your deficiencies and expecting doting attention or pity as you blame the world. Until you realize that everyone’s self-conscious and self-absorbed. And no one wants to hear you complain too much.
The truth is that everyone carries suffering with them on some level. And everyone’s story is different — they say comparison is the thief of joy for good reason. If you’re feeling hopeless and helpless, if you believe that things will never get better, remember this: Things will get better, I promise you. Life is long. College, or whatever stage of life you’re at right now, is not the end all be all. Even though your college years are put on a pedestal by society, it’s just four years of your life, and many people actually thrive more after college than during it.
So be kind to yourself. People say that all the time, though, so what does that mean? Start small. Write a daily mantra to yourself, something like “I am blessed, I am loved, I am strong.” Keep a gratitude journal (Oprah swears by this!). Be curious about the way you talk to yourself. Don’t judge harshly when it’s not warranted — treat yourself like you would treat a friend. Being kind to yourself means thinking about your future self as well, and framing healthy activities, like exercise and healthy eating, in terms that encourage you to start.
Or if you’re a flailing, socially anxious, too-old senior, maybe that means getting thoughts from outside your swirling mind onto the fresh print of (digital) newspaper in a way that’s a little cathartic each time.
Lesson 1: Be kind to yourself. Even if you don’t believe it, fake kindness to yourself with a positive mantra. If you’re into developing more self-compassion skills, I would recommend checking out Kristin Neff online. Remember, self-compassion may be even more important than self-esteem.
