As they talk, I wonder if they are just unable to recognize the signs of someone not engaged in the conversation or if they can tell but choose not to care. I tell myself that I’ll be attentive to other people’s nonverbal signals whenever I’m in a conversation with someone so that they’ll never have to feel uncomfortable.
At the age of four, most children begin to develop theory of mind. Essentially, theory of mind revolves around the concept of being able to understand your own beliefs, motivations and thoughts, and recognize oneself as a separate entity from those of other people. Theory of mind allows us to act appropriately in social settings, engage in meaningful conversation and build relationships based on mutual understanding and respect. Not being able to differentiate your thoughts and beliefs from others' would prevent someone from being able to take on another perspective, leaving them either confused about why people do not think the way they do or perpetually stuck in their own mindset.
Having some level of this awareness is good for social development. However, sometimes it might develop out of whack, leading one to become hyperaware of how others perceive them. Take the example from above. Let’s say that I’ve decided to become aware of nonverbal signals in conversations to make sure the other speaker is never uncomfortable. Done in moderation, I might be great at conversations. But if I allow myself to get carried away by overanalyzing each nonverbal cue, like their fingers tapping against the tabletop or their eyes flitting elsewhere, I may end up misreading the other person. I might no longer express myself as freely, afraid that I would drone on for too long.
It’s certainly very difficult to do such things in moderation. I especially struggled when I first transitioned to college and became hyperaware of how I must act to fit into a culture that is drastically different from my own. In Vietnam, people might throw a quick nod at someone they recognize on the streets, but wouldn’t stop to say “Hey, how are you?” It is a culture where challenging an adult’s viewpoint is considered rude, which initially made me hesitant of going to office hours, as I was unsure of how to hold a conversation with a professor. It is these little changes that clearly mark the transition from a collectivist culture to an individualistic one.
Now, when I find myself in a situation where I’m questioning whether or not the other person is acting in accordance of social norms, I instead tell myself I should also take it in my stride and be a bit more carefree myself.
