All Mixed Up: Problematic

What we all know is bad: Neo-Nazis, white supremacists, malpractice, eugenics, genocide, self-loathing, depression, malignant anything, going through grief while in college, unreturned love, foster care, addiction, third-degree burns, needs you can’t afford, lack of belonging, sobbing alone, domestic violence, the list goes on.

What we don’t discuss across divides: shame, wealth distribution, gentrification, free speech, abortion, non-heterosexual relationships (romantic or not), health care, our administration, climate, repercussions and reparations, religions other than the Abrahamic faiths (and rarely Islam), colorism, power dynamics, medical leave, mental health, food systems, international affairs, internal wars, finances, guilt, beauty standards, gender, discipline, tax reform, radicalism, love, athletics, the outdoors, self-segregation, cultural centers and Greek life, expectations, student funding, silence, embarrassment, inadequacy, death, socialization, whiteness, disabilities, chosen ignorance, immigration, incarceration, school systems, philanthropy, scholarships, forgetting, repression, the list goes on.

What we don’t discuss: what we need to feel comfortable in our own skin, how we are socialized, what we need from others, our own biases and contempts, what we think about right before we fall asleep.

I wasn’t born with my biases, my opinions or my stubbornness. These are learned factors of my identity. I hide behind them, succumb to them and no one will notice. An easy example of this came out in tutoring.

I asked my student a few years ago, “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?” Well, her parents often work on Thanksgiving. Perhaps one works in the morning and the other in the afternoon, or maybe one would work all day and the other would be home. It wasn’t that big of a holiday. She looked forward to Black Friday shopping. It was elitist of me to think that, like my family, she would sit down for a large meal and have a relaxing day. She’s older than I was at her age. Wiser. I ask her now what she’s looking forward to for her break. More general. Fewer expectations attached. "Black Friday shopping," she said. After the break, only then did she tell me about her Thanksgiving which had been nice. Her mom had prepared the meal early in the morning before heading off to work. Numerous tempting dishes for my student and her father to enjoy without her. She was happy, and that was what mattered.

It’s not that her meal was better than mine, nor that we have to compare them at all. It is important for me to recognize that I have been socialized on what holidays look like. I am fortunate to enjoy my family’s company and to see them on most holidays. That’s not the case for many folks although the media implies otherwise. I’ve learned a great deal from her over the four years we’ve worked together. Her life is much different than mine. I’m a multiracial woman; my parents from Boston and Dubuque. She’s a Guinean girl born in Massachusetts General Hospital, her parents from another continent.

I constantly must face my biases, else I’ll fail the people around me and my own history.