Maintaining Your Tuftsanity: Finals week hacks

Finals week is upon us, but never fear. I’ve got the recipe for success to help you take final exams like a pro.

First off, make sure you’re as sleep deprived as possible. Don’t listen to what your drooping eyelids and foggy mind are telling you; you should most definitely stay up until at least 3:30 a.m. to optimize study time. Oh, and before you crash for the night, make sure to set alarms at 15-minute increments starting at 7 a.m. the next morning so you can wake right back up to the daily grind. It will be worth it when you’re sitting for your exam eight hours later in the day and can hardly remember what your name is, let alone all of the neural pathways you memorized. 

Secondly, don’t leave time for nutritious meals. In fact, you may as well not leave time for any kind of food whatsoever because you’re going to need to spend every spare minute you have reviewing notes and learning terms on Quizlet. Taking an hour to make a salad and enjoy it with friends will not be worth your while. Those health nuts don’t know what they’re talking about when they say food will help you function better. I’m pretty sure that if you want to pass your exam, all you have to do is study for it. Simple as that.

Speaking of health nuts, forget exercising. Remember how you were conveniently too busy for the gym all semester? That hasn’t changed, so don’t you dare go saying that today’s the day you’re going to change that. Endorphins will only get you so far, and then reality hits and your legs are sore and your lungs seem to have lost all function. That pain is only going to distract you from getting those 10 pages written. Besides, look around. This is the beginning of a New England winter. You have a solid four months before people will even see your calves, let alone your stomach. Those summer-bod goals can wait.

Lastly, don’t even think about “taking a mental health break with friends.” Let the “f” in finals be a reminder that finals friendships = finals failure. They will not help you. They may cheer you up for a brief second, but there’s no point in pretending those three exams and five papers temporarily don’t exist to give you a false sense of freedom. You’ll be much more productive if you leave no time for social interaction. Just put your mental health on pause for a week and you’ll be fine. How much can a week of isolation really hurt?

These simple guidelines will keep you going strong all the way to the finish line. Side effects should be ignored completely because the reward greatly outweighs them, but I’m required to report that they include but are not limited to: risk of fainting, starvation, dehydration, depression, severe anxiety, heart attack, blindness (from over-crying), loss of motor function/control, suicidal thoughts and complete failure on all exams. Good luck!

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