Happy belated Halloween, everyone. Before I begin, I’d like to do a quick PSA: please, remove that pumpkin from your front porch. Remove it. It is no longer a festive decoration. It is now a piece of rotting fruit. It is becoming mushy. Squirrels have been eating it and getting drunk and making poor life decisions. The trash bin is right there.
Okay, moving right along. We’re just five days from Election Day, and — wait, is that mold? Great, you let it get moldy. Really freaking great. Now it’s going to be seriously annoying to clean up. Get rid of the pumpkin please.
Moving right along. It’s five days ‘till Election Day, and we’re embroiled in yet another email scandal. I understand that the constant email discussion during this election has been confusing. That’s why this week, I’m providing you with an exhaustive timeline of events from this drawn out cyber-debacle:
2008 – Clinton’s private server is created. I begin wondering and asking around about what a private server is. Like, a butler?
January 2009 – Secretary Clinton creates the email address HDR22@clintonemail.com. HDRs 1 through 21 are apparently already taken by other users on the server.
February 2009 – Hillary opens her email by double-clicking an icon that only needs to be single-clicked.
March 2009 – August, 2012 – I lead my high school soccer team in goals. This doesn’t have to do with Hillary’s emails, I just thought you should know.
September 2012 – The Benghazi attack occurs, killing four Americans. Initial intelligence about the attack is fuzzy and conflicting. All that is known is that [thing that occurred] was directly caused by Hillary’s [thing we find out about Hillary]. A massive investigation into Clinton’s State Department practices begins.
April 20, 2013 – Blaze it
March 2015 – Clinton announces that she has deleted 32,000 personal emails. Fearing that they will be backed up in some “cloud” in Silicon Valley, she has all clouds permanently eliminated from California, causing the drought.
May 2015 – The State Department begins releasing 30,000 of Clinton’s emails, including one bombshell with the subject line “RE: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: Cat video.”
October 2015 – Bernie Sanders says in a debate that Americans are “sick and tired of hearing about [Hillary’s] damn emails.” This is not a political move – he actually longs for the simpler days of writing messages on stone tablets.
July 2016 – FBI Director James Comey says that Clinton acted carelessly but not illegally in her handling of information. The investigation is finally complete.
October 2016 – Haha, just kidding, you idiots. It is never over. Not while we have two parties that work together about as well as grandmothers and computers.
Nov. 3, 2016 – I have almost figured out what a private server is. Really hoping to have this down by Tuesday.
Thanks for reading! Now remember, get rid of that pumpkin. Clean up the freaking pumpkin, Connor Brown. It’s starting to stink up our porch and we’ve asked you like five times now.