Hey all! It’s Wednesday, Sept. 28, which means two nights ago, we got to watch the long-awaited clash between Hillary Clinton and the Saints and Donald Trump and the Falcons. Wait, never mind, I got confused with Monday Night Football again. What I meant to say was, the first presidential debate was two nights ago!
Unfortunately, my columns are due for submission on Mondays at noon, so at the time I’m writing this, I haven’t actually seen it yet. I have, however, already placed my bets. Here’s the action I’m looking at:
- $5 that a bouncer looking at a clipboard will tell a sad Gary Johnson that he’s not on the list
- $10 that a third podium will be kept ready in case Joe Biden decides to make a last-minute entrance
- $5 that Trump exceeds expectations by successfully making even one comment that sounds like a normal thing a president might say
- $11 on a comparison between Trump and Hitler (and another $11 on Trump taking it as a compliment)
- $17 that the Washington Post’s fact-checking team scores Trump’s performance as “not even trying”
- $0 on any of this mattering come Election Day (face it, no amount of punches thrown are changing the fact that Uncle Bill is voting for Trump)
Who do you guys think won the debate? For the online readers, we can do an informal poll. If you thought Clinton won, drop a comment down below, and if you thought Trump won, ask whichever literate friend is reading this aloud to you to please do so on your behalf.
In other news, I’m now going to start a new segment called “In Other News!” Note: The exclamation point in there is not part of the title – I’m just really excited about this new segment and grammatically, I think it has to go inside the quotation marks.
In Other News
You know what, I kind of liked the exclamation point.
In Other News!
Paulitics as usual: two former top aides to Ron Paul were put on probation for secretly paying a state senator for his endorsement. Wait a minute. You can get paid to endorse someone? @Donald Trump, please contact my people ASAP.
Sticker shock: The price of EpiPens has been jacked up 500 percent, which is bad news for anyone with a severe bullshit allergy.
Cardinal sin: An Arizona pastor made remarks so homophobic, he was deported from Botswana, where homosexuality is a crime. And in a parallel universe, a Botswanan was deported from Arizona for eating too many hamburgers before a Cardinals game.
Assault and battery: The NRA has spent $5 million to run an ad depicting a home invasion that ends with the words, “Don’t let Hillary leave you protected by nothing but a phone.” Unless it’s a Samsung Galaxy Note 7, which is technically a firearm.
Time lapse: Facebook confessed that it falsely inflated its measure of the average time users spend viewing video footage by 60 to 80 percent. Good, I thought I was spending 5 hours per day watching puppy videos, but turns out it’s only about 3.5.
The Tufts Daily Show will be right back after a week-long word from our sponsors!