*Deep voice* Sept. 23, 2016. From Comedy Central’s College Avenue’s World News Headquarters in New York shambles, this is the Tufts Daily Show with Kevin Lawson. *Non-copyright-infringing knockoff intro music plays as the camera pans to me, capturing a split second of me picking my nose.*
Hello, everyone, and welcome to the second first edition of the Tufts Daily Show! For those dedicated readers that recognize the title from last fall — that’s right, we’re back, baby! I thank both of you for your continued patronage.
When this column left off, it was busy making fun of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump for his never-ending sequence of horrible words and deeds. Thankfully, now that the whole Donald Trump fiasco is over, and we as a country are unified and better off for the experience — *puts finger to earpiece* — Okay, wait, I’m getting word that Donald Trump is actually more relevant now than ever before and that he’s deemed by the New York Times to have a 27 percent chance of being our next president. Sweet! Go America! Picking up where we left off sounds good too!
Five years ago, Trump began publicly arguing that Obama was not a U.S. citizen. It was a perfectly fitting entrance to a fact-averse, hate-fueled and all-around s–t-smeared political career. Last Friday, however, he changed his mind, saying, “Obama was born in the United States. Period.” I, for one, am happy that a credible source has finally brought closure to that issue, and I’m looking forward to Trump settling other controversial debates as we head deeper into this campaign.
For example, is Santa Claus real? Or is my father to blame for that one Christmas when all I got was a lump of coal and a note that said, “Santa sees you when you’re sleeping and knows you’ve been smoking pot”?
And is evolution actually a thing? My gut tells me no, but it does seem a bit like Donald Trump is the missing link between primates and humans, so I can’t be sure.
Trump has caught a lot of flak for how long he ignored the facts (if you support him, read: stuck to his guns) with regard to the birther issue, but is anyone surprised that it took him five years to stop spewing such hateful lies (read: telling it like it is)? Trump is the type of businessman who would use children to make his products if it were a cheaper and legal option. And I don’t mean child labor – he definitely uses that. I mean he would literally make products out of children. It’s not shocking in the slightest that he has no notion of something being made in America.
We’ll be right back after these messages!