Click here to see if you’re a thief!

I’ve been feeling terrified about my future as a human being in “the real world” (enough to postpone graduation? Maybe). But I’d like to discuss my missing bathing suit.

That’s right. Someone took my swimming spandex from the gym locker room. I couldn’t believe it. Sure, it wasn’t locked or anything. But who takes a wet, chlorine-stained, dirty pair of spandex? I thought perhaps I had misplaced it and would find it lying around somewhere on the floor of the locker room. I didn’t. I checked to see if other people hung their bathing suits on their lockers. They did. I checked to see if any of them were MY bathing suit. They weren’t. I thought about taking someone else’s. BUT THEN I DIDN’T BECAUSE I’M A DECENT HUMAN.

After looking in the Lost and Found, I gave up my search and biked home to get my other spandex. The problem is, these spandex are looser. It sucks to swim in spandex that are too big. They move around and create drag. They also fall down a lot.

If you (yes, you) are the person who did this, please, please, please, just bring them back. I promise that I won’t be mad. I swear, if I find them there tomorrow, it’ll be our little secret. (Wednesday Daily readers will also be in on it, but they’re quiet people.) I’ll never hunt you down — I won’t wait for you in the gym and demand answers. I’ll just be grateful that my spandex are back and that I can start on the blocks without my bottoms flying off.

At the very least, I hope you really needed them. I hope that you were in the locker room when you just shit in your pants, (after showering and washing thoroughly), saw my spandex hanging on the locker and desperately took them, thinking no one would ever know. I hope you realized that there was a camera in the hallway, and so you went through some secret exit that involved pipes or heating vents. Maybe you threw something at the camera so you could run out of the building unseen. I hope it really stressed you out. I hope you’re still thinking about it now. Maybe the guilt is crushing your soul, and you’ve decided to start an anti-theft club on campus. Your friend is on the TCU Senate and has already approved your budget — five pairs of binocs and a loud speaker with prerecorded audio of Dora’s incredibly effective, “Swiper, no swiping!” chorus. Your parents will be so proud.

If I were in a more reflective mood, I might connect this preoccupation with the missing bathing suit to an avoidance strategy of some sort. Having trouble letting go of replaceable and inconsequential objects? Choose one: Click here to see what this reveals about your relationship status. Or click here to see how this limits your career opportunities. Just kidding, silly-willy! A relationship is your only career opportunity!

But seriously, please just give me back my spandex, and we can all go on with our lives.