Having a waffle day? I’ll make it batter

For me, watching "Shrek" (2001) is a spiritual experience. Fairy tales and fantasy aside, I can identify with a lot of themes in the movie, like not judging a book by its cover, understanding that people are like onions and so on.

But there’s a particular moment that always resonates with me. When Donkey has just arrived to Shrek’s swamp seeking shelter, he careens through Shrek’s door, jumps on the recliner and does a little jig while exclaiming, “We can stay up late, swappin’ manly stories and in the morning, I’m making waffles!”

Donkey is beautiful for his innocence and for his purity, but what strikes me most is his love for waffles. This week, in solidarity with Donkey, I’ve suggested a couple ways to enjoy your waffles.

But first, at the risk of sounding like an annoying camp counselor, a disclaimer:

In an allergy-free world, I might endorse mixing ingredients into your batter. However, we must remember the dining halls are the most public spaces on campus and, though it’s only a small percentage of us, some of our peers have allergies. It’s not fair to put someone else’s well being second to our own desire for gastronomic pleasure.

Fine print aside, let’s make some gridded goodies.

Loaded waffles: Ready to indulge and play chicken with your dentist? This is what you need to eat.

1. Make your waffle. To avoid looking like a clueless child in a Holiday Inn with waffle goop bubbling out of the iron and making everyone angry, fill your cup no more than ¾ of the way.
2. As you wait for the waffle iron to do its thing, get a banana, peel half and slice it.
3. Pass Go and collect your waffle. Break it in half.
4. Spread one half with Nutella and the other half with peanut butter.
5. Place your sliced banana on one half, and put the other half on top, making a sort of waffle sandwich.
6. At this point, you could drizzle some maple syrup over everything and call it a day. But I like to add a bit of vanilla soft serve first.
7. As a final note, substituting strawberry syrup for peanut better also tastes good and will give your dentist even better job security.

Chicken and waffles: Any day the dining hall serves up some crispy chicken fingers/nuggets, you should ask yourself two things. One, “Is this real life?” and two, “When’s the last time I had chicken and waffles?” If your answer is “yes” to the first and anything from “a week ago” to “I don’t know” to the second, you should make chicken and waffles.

1. Procure a waffle. See step one above.
2. As you wait for your waffle, assemble a small salad of mixed greens (the healthiest option), some olive oil, lemon juice and honey.
3. Pass Go and collect your waffle. Break it in half.
4. Find the biggest pieces of chicken possible; place on one half of the waffle.
5. Top the chicken with ketchup and mustard if you feel inclined.
6. Throw the greens on top of everything and close with the other half of the waffle.
7. Thank me later.

P.S. If you ever want to try one of these creations, but don’t have the confidence/don’t want to make it yourself/would like to be waited on, I’ll happily make you one in exchange for being swiped in. So far, nobody has taken me up on this, which makes me feel a bit how I imagine Donkey felt upon being thrown out of Shrek’s house.