Wowza. Look at you. You may remember that I wrote you in September, actually in the first column of my “Reply All” series. I’m so glad you took my advice and declared your candidacy for the next presidential election! I mean, you never called to thank me, but it’s whatever. You also may recall my encouragement to select Beyoncé as VP, which I still expect to be completely upheld in the coming months. Well, with a few amendments — Beyoncé will of course remain in this grand plan, but I was thinking about ways to improve your chances of winning over the last semester, and then it suddenly hit me: Why have just the guidance and brilliance of one pop star when you could have a coalition?
Yes Hillary, I’m talking complete constitutional reform. And why not? The possibility of the nation’s first female president could come with even more progressive changes. Instead of having Beyoncé serve as vice president solo, have her join forces and reunite with her roots of Destiny’s Child. And while we are on the mid ’90s to early 2000s trend, throw in the Spice Girls and the all-important *NSYNC. A force to be reckoned with, you will be able to receive unprecedentedly high-quality levels of counseling. Lots of tight fitting denim too.
I understand that you may have some scruples about a few of these ideas. First off, there is the fact that the Spice Girls are all British citizens. I know that you really just want to invade Britain with the help of Billy and bring her back to the motherland under your new patriarchy-crushing dominion, but we’re just going to have to wait. You’ll just have to pull a few strings to make the girls naturalized citizens. And as masters of the vocal arts, they shouldn’t have a problem adapting to the American accent. Victoria Beckham lived in LA for a while too, so a good part of the nation wouldn’t even know that she ever came from anywhere else. These steps might seem slightly drastic when you have the already-American groups; however, you won’t regret it when you’re drafting immensely influential economic legislation and Mel B reminds you that all anyone really wants these days is a zigazig ah.
Next, the affinity of the position to form a natural hierarchy may be worrying. It’s clear that Beyoncé and Justin Timberlake will be taking the reigns on this effort from the get-go, but what about other inter-group dynamics? Kelly Rowland and Joey Fatone will without a doubt team up and throw some serious side-eye when their proposals get shut down in the lower mark-up committees. And don’t even get me started on Scary Spice; they don’t call her that without any reason. But yet again, I’ve got your back, Hillary. The obvious quick fix to this problem is introducing Britney Spears as a mediating force. JT’s power will be significantly truncated with the introduction of his ex, and everyone in the group will slightly terrified at all times that their head could be forcibly shaved in an surprise act of aggression.
Lastly, remember the spousal input you’ll receive from this coalition as well. It’s argued that the reign of Nicholas II was ruled primarily by his wife Alexandra — a similar narrative should arise from these power couples. Jay-Z will obviously be heading all diplomatic relations in Paris on behalf of his wife, and David Beckham will continue the health initiatives introduced by Michelle Obama herself. The combined power of this VP group is immense, and all at your disposal. Keepin’ it real, Hil.
XOXO (for real, listen to me),