Dear hair aficionados,

Beards. Neck beards. Nipples. Matching carpets and drapes? Nasty. Anyways, these hirsute locations on our bodies are sadly not the focus of this letter: We’re talking head hair. More importantly, combining some different types of quaffs that seem to be the most “trendy” within current culture. Chop chop.

A recent phenomenon within the hair world has concerned younger women dying their hair with strikingly metallic shades of gray. Dubbed “Grandma chic,” these age-bending lady silver foxes have caused a slight contention in that “college Amy” and “granny around the block” seem to appear exactly the same. Who’s sporting the fake ID and who’s got the triple-gold star rewards card at Costco? Is that Talbots-Chico’s hybrid pantsuit being worn to Sunday mass or to send the government a subversive message regarding sexism within the aging female population? Is that sensible footwear for real? Nana-core is sweeping the nation, friends. So, I propose taking this trend to the next level by combining the ever-popular ombre. But not just some average, subtle transition from different colors. No, I’m talking hair roller ombres. Instead of the ordinary shifts, like from brown to chestnut for example, go from silver to hot pink hair rollers. Tape a couple of these bad babies on the lower half of your strands, throw on a shower cap and all of your friends will be in pure awe of your ingenuity. Using hair rollers to not curl your hair? Blasphemy? No — it’s the future.

Next up is the cultural staple of the man bun. This hairstyle has swept the world and has proven to be especially polarizing, where a clear divide has formed between those who champion the more androgynous style and others standing steadfastly opposed to it. I’m a big fan of the man bun, but like the already-mentioned silver haired babes, I think it can be taken to the next step. ASOS, a British online fashion store, revealed a clip-on hairpiece meant to emulate man buns this past April Fools’ Day. While it was intended as a simple farcical joke, I genuinely think they were on to something. I propose clip-on storage pouches for these stylish gentlemen. For example: don’t have a place to put your keys while on a run? Not a problem with bun-pouches. The natural progression of this, then, obviously leads to the man bun nest. Anchor an entire bowl-nesting structure to the bun and never run out of storage, ever! Maybe put some bird feed in there to create an actual nest. Eco-friendly and suave: the best of both worlds.

In this Pinterest-filled world (eeks), elaborate braiding styles have also started to become prominent. French braids, milkmaid braids, messy braids, fishtail braids (great sources of omega fatty acids?) and so on and so forth. But I have founded it generally shocking that the ultimate braid has not been introduced to the public yet: the Brady Brunch Braid. Inspired by the classic Sesame Street episode, this braid involves weaving in the faces of each individual family member into the hair. From printer paper to ornate visage models, any medium works as long as the artistic rendering accurately depicts the crushing tension between Marcia and Jan. And like the show, Alice will be the star of this look. Take a swatch of sky-blue material and use it to tie the ends of each braid. Queen Alice obviously deserves some subtlety.

Towel drying,