Spring sprang sprung

Dear Spring Break,

Finally, your presence has crept up on us. And I’m not talking about the iconic “Spring Breakers” (2012), Riff Raff kind of spring break. I’m talking about the week of solace colleges offer, characterized by a mass exodus of student to different locations and activities. While there are many options and forms, all can offer, in some way, a mental break from the rigor of collegiate life. And foam parties!

That’s right, the first option is the classic white T-shirt contest, Daytona Beach, foam party blowout spring break. There should be substantial amounts of wrestling in substances. Mud wrestling, pudding wrestling, Tide ‘High Efficiency’ laundry detergent wrestling, etc. A key element of this type of break is a hot location that is cheap enough for fiscally restricted college students. I hear Arkansas is good for the Clinton-lovers tour and Duggar clan aficionados! If you’re feeling like 2002 Reese Witherspoon, Alabama may be your spring break cup of tea! And if you want to recreate my favorite season by far of The Real World (1992-present), make sure to go to Cancun, where you can sip on mango margaritas and the souls of spring breakers past. Additionally, one can only listen to songs on the Billboard 100 remixed by someone named DJ Fuze or DJ Statik or maybe even DJ Whoa. If your head is not bopping, you’re in total #fomo territory. Get it girls!

Another choice for spring break, and my personal preference, is the return home to enter a complete state of physical and emotional stagnation. It is safe to assume that almost everyone understands the negative impacts college places on your body, such as lack of sleep and odd dietary choices, but emotional impacts may be a bit more furtive in their nature. I had tears in my eyes the other day when the dining hall had actual guacamole. I also burst into laughter yesterday while watching the sunrise, with no knowledge as to what provoked it. Basically, everyone’s sensory systems and hormonal balances are in complete chaos, and spring break at home is a great time to regulate. Also, returning home means being able to return to your high school and have a very powerful affirmation of how much better your life has gotten. Seeing all those young plebes locked up in a cesspool of puberty and artificial cafeteria pizza will easily remind you how great the privilege of freedom in college really is. Plus, seeing all of your hometown friends is always a special treat. Go on a walk with them and reminisce! You will cry! I will cry! Tears for everyone!

Lastly, for some, spring break cannot be a time of escape, as they have to remain on campus for the week. But do not fret! All of this free time means plenty of opportunities to switch things up and explore new possibilities. For example, if your roommate is bouncing out, take a nap or two in their bed (discretely, of course). You will quickly gain some new space perspective, and you can totally tell a lot about a person by the way their sheets smell. Trust me. Another option is to visit people who live close to campus and are going home. People quickly take pity when you are sans-family, so chances are you will be welcomed very warmly. If you can’t see your family during this time, assimilate into someone else’s! Or just take a bunch of benzos and act like you’re surrounded by millions of friends. Same difference.

I had no idea what to write about this week,