Fast but mostly furious

Dear drivers,

After not riding inside of or driving a vehicle for three months at college, getting behind the wheel in good ol’ Avon, Ohio over break was quite the treat. And by treat, I mean those weird strawberry candies that everybody’s grandma has but no one dares to eat. Because this treat was SCARY and left a taste of fear in my mouth. And maybe some flavoring from those pine tree air fresheners. Anyway, after accidentally backing out of my driveway in neutral, driving around with a fresh perspective made me realize how odd and terrifying some occurrences on the road can be. So before getting behind that wheel, make sure to remember to watch out for these types of drivers, and change if you fit the definitions. Vroom vroom.

Upon pulling out of my suburban development, I came across the first type of driver: the wild, restless and reclusive soccer mom. This cliché is one that nearly everyone is familiar with, zooming along with her gaggle of children in her Honda Odyssey — circa 2009 model is a familiar icon for many. The main issue of the soccer mom is that she takes the mama bear approach nine times out of 10  — her children are her priority, and no one is endangering that. “What’s this Sienna doing riding my ass?” you may question. It’s the infamous late soccer mom, toting her little rascals across town to go to swim lessons before stopping by her bi-weekly hair appointment to keep her Kate Gosslin inspired quaff in check. Need to cut across four lanes of traffic to get off at the right exit? Not a problem for soccer mom. Again, little league baseball games easily become everyone’s priority. Perhaps the most difficult development of noticing this type of driver is her furtive transition to more clandestine modes of transportation. The aesthetically aware parent of too many now realizes the somewhat distasteful view a “mom” car brings upon its driver. Kid caravans have gone under the radar, camouflaging themselves as “versatile SUVs.” I’m talking Buick Enclaves, Ford Flexes, etc. Don’t be fooled, it’s still the same helicoptering parent behind the wheel, wondering what the average cost of a vasectomy is.

Next is the type of driver who finds complete solace in a car. I personally support the notion that an individual’s car is an extended modicum of his or her living space, and therefore one can uphold a certain level of personal comfort. To a limit. Many drivers, as I’ve noticed, fail to remember that while they are in an enclosed, private vestibule, it is still made out of very translucent glass that hundreds of other drivers will peer through. Nose picking has been the highest motive for this type of offender. Remember, when you think there’s a bat in the cage, let it hang until later. That’s what bats do. Hang out. And snot too. Motor vehicle exhibitionists will also fall under this category. CAR SEX DOES NOT IMPLY THE CAR MOVING. Hanky panky in your station wagon should only happen when it’s in park. Then, go wild, freak asses.

Another motif in the driving world are the, in layman’s terms, douche parkers. From Sears to Saks Fifth Avenue, shopping center parking lots seem to be a hotspot for terrible park jobs. Despite popular belief, those parking lines are not simply suggestions for where your car should be oriented. Or even could be. Nope, they’re real, and probably a good guideline to respect. If the only way I can get out of my car door because of your parking is by having the waist of an infant, something’s wrong. Readjust and roll out.

Get out me car,