Dear SWUG,
I had a very spooky Halloween weekend. On top of receiving text messages of various anagrams of my name from a mysterious number, an intruder in a blonde wig with a French accent broke into my house on Saturday night and woke up my housemate asking if I was home. I’m so freaked out, and I don’t know if the two incidents are related. What should I do?
Spooked in Somerville,
Lemony Arrogance

Dear Lemony Arrogance,
It sounds like we have a real life mystery on our hands. Print out all pieces of evidence, head shots of any suspects and grab some string — we’re tackling this “Homeland” (2011 – present) style! Turn your house into a mini detective’s office, and invite your favorite problem solvers and frequent viewers of “NCIS” (2003 – present) and “CSI” (2000 – present) over. Remember those Scholastic book catalogs from elementary school and the awesome spy equipment on the last pages? This is the perfect reason to travel back in time and beg your mom to let you get the Super Secret Spy Kit! While you’re there, grab all of your old “The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley” books and VHS tapes, as you may need to use them for reference. Think back to anyone you may have pranked or refused to hook up with in the past year. Did anyone give you a weird look recently? Did you accidentally cut someone in line for Sunday Sundae? I think the real mystery here is: Is it Sunday Sundae or Sundae Sunday? Go get a sundae. It sounds like you need it.

If this freak continues to text you, or if anyone strange enters your house, contact the authorities. Let’s just hope they’re not in on it, too. Conspiracy theories for dayzzz.
We’ll solve any crime by dinner time!
SWUG

Dear SWUG,
I am worried that I am growing up too fast and am not having the SWUGiest senior year possible. Four-letter acronyms were once the guiding principles in my life (YOLO, DGAF, TD4W), but now between job applications and my godawful hangovers, I feel like I hardly ever go out anymore. How can I start injecting a little SWUG attitude into my life?
Sincerely,
Prematurely Post-Grad

Dear Prematurely Post-Grad,
Gone are the days of YOLO, and here are the days of “Sorry, I can’t go out … I have to prepare for an interview.” Don’t get discouraged, there are new 4-letter acronyms that are the guiding principles in your life now, and most of them don’t lead to debilitating hangovers. The next time you stay in to work on a job application, BYOW (bring your own wine) and race against yourself: What will you finish first, the wine or the app?

Say you accidentally make your way into a fraternity party and notice an abundance of people you don’t know. Use the acronym FALN (freshman alert, leave now) to warn your fellow SWUGs of the infestation. Don’t fret though, the night is far from over because TIAH (there is always Helens). You can always BYOW to help you find an ENSC (easy natural science credit) before suffering through your 3 p.m. registration one last time.

If all of this is overwhelming to you, you can always NATP (nap away the pressure), or send out an SOS APPT?! (Are people pubbing tonight!?) message to your GroupMe. Remember to always ask WTBS? (will there be snacks?) before you leave the house, and CWUT (can we Uber there?) before you wear heels out in public. SWUG life is all about making your own fun and your own acronyms.
WIFO (Wow I feel old),
SWUG

P.S. For the hangovers, invest in some milk thistle or PartySmart pills. Worth the few dollars at Whole Foods.


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