If there’s one thing I can’t stand (ha! That there would be only one!), it’s people who pretend to be experts on things they know nothing about. Luckily, in this column I’m pretty good about limiting myself to topics on which I am the absolute authority (although, of course, that doesn’t restrict me much). But today’s topic is one very near and dear to my heart: coffee.
Now, I could wax on for all of the 600 words I’m allowed about the delicious taste and magical properties of what I affectionately refer to as the Elixir of the Gods. But I like to try to help my fellow Jumbos out (shout-out to all the people who dressed up as the Joey per my suggestion last week!), and so I’ve decided to explain one of my tried-and-true methods for immediately assessing a stranger’s personality with just one sentence: their coffee order. I worked as a barista one summer, and let me assure you, the following system is scarily accurate.
Coffee plus cream and/or sugar - Average Joe (hee, hee). You know what works for you and you stick to it. You’re probably pretty reliable, and maybe a little boring. You dress in normcore without even realizing it, and you really enjoyed "Breaking Bad" (2008-2013).
Black coffee - You’re intense. You know you need your caffeine and you need it now, and you know exactly what you want and how to get it. You can often be found DTRing way too early and shooting death glares at the barista who’s taking way too long with your really easy order.
Latte - You’re soft. You’re a warm, giving person, and you probably don’t mind waiting when the barista has to remake your drink with the correct type of milk. (“Excuse me? I’m really sorry for the trouble, but…”) You actually don’t like the taste of coffee that much, which is why you dilute it with so much milk.
Cappuccino - You’re annoying. You also don’t like the taste of coffee, but you won’t admit it. You’re probably really high-maintenance and have a standing appointment with your hairdresser, who you call your “colorist.” If you order yours “extra dry,” you surpass annoying and are officially evil.
Macchiato - You’re pretentious. You probably announce your order really loudly and then glance around with a knowing smirk, as if everyone’s impressed you know a word with four syllables. In actuality, the people behind you are just wondering why you care if the barista puts the espresso in before or after the milk.
Frappuccino - You’re a preteen and probably shouldn’t be in this coffee shop. Caffeine stunts your growth. Go home.
Always hot/always iced coffee (aka you drink exclusively just one type, no matter what time of year it is) - There are two possibilities here. One is that you’re a bad-a** rebel (or at least like to think you’re one). Ain’t nobody the boss of you, and you’ll drink your iced coffee in February if you damn well please. The other reason is you’re probably a psychopath.
So, you see, there’s no need to waste time checking potential friends’ Myers-Briggs test results, or even their Yakarma. Just offer to grab a cup of Joe, and let their own next words tell you everything you need to know. Of course, if they tell you they don’t like coffee at all, run for the hills, because they are definitely just psychopaths. I’m off to finish my second cup of the day, but I’ll see you next week. Happy sipping!
