Halloween

I’d like to begin this column on a self-congratulatory note: The fact that I remembered Halloween was fast approaching when I sat down to write this, and also that I remembered that it was before next Monday, just goes to show you how on top of everything I am. For example, if this had been last year, I probably would’ve gotten a column about Halloween dashed off no later than reading period of finals (which, of course, is still very impressive).

Halloween is probably my favorite holiday (yes, I did just say something positive in this column -- don’t get used to it) for lots of reasons, the more politically correct of which include that it’s in the fall (see previous column), it involves lots of candy (what’s not to love?) and it demands creativity and dedication in choosing your costume(s). Everyone knows that in college only rookies are seen in the same costume twice, as there are multiple nights of themed parties and thus multiple opportunities to show off your creativity and/or huge biceps. However, we’re smack in the middle of round two of midterms, and I know it’s hard to find the time to give your costumes the careful thought and attention they obviously deserve. Therefore, below please find a list of what I sincerely believe will be the five hottest Tufts-themed costumes of 2014.

Pre-med: Wear a button-up shirt, carry around a textbook and a large thermos of coffee and look on edge at all times. Engage in competitive complaining (“You think your week was bad? I had an orgo test, two quizzes and a paper”), and debate loudly the pros and cons of dropping Bio 13. Level of difficulty: registering for classes as a first-year.

Cookie guy: Wear all orange and carry around cookies. Pro: You will be very popular among your drunk friends. Level of difficulty: finding a time everyone in your group project is free to meet.

A cappella group: Grab five to seven friends, wear all black and randomly assemble in a semi-circle behind strangers, humming to add some harmony to their conversation. Extra points if you bring a harmonica to set the right note for each new chat. Level of difficulty: finding a table in Dewick during the 6 p.m. rush.

TEMS: Wear khaki pants, a navy shirt and carry around a red backpack. Begin every conversation by asking people how much they’ve had to drink. Pro: You’ll waltz right past the line to any party. Con: Don’t be offended if your presence immediately shuts said party down. Level of difficulty: locating a friend in Tisch in a place you’ve never sat before.

The Joey: Wear all white and a name tag that says “Joey.” Set a party-hopping schedule with your friends and then completely ignore it, instead turning up at unpredictable times and locations throughout the night. For extra points, record the awful noise of the real Joey letting out its brakes, and then play it whenever you stop walking. Level of difficulty: catching the Joey anywhere that’s not the campus center.

So, you see, there’s really no excuse for not looking sharp as hell this Friday (and Thursday, and Saturday), as I’ve done all the grunt work for you. When in doubt, pick an idea from my list, and keep in mind it’s better to over-commit to your costume than under-commit -- because, after all, nobody likes a cookie guy who doesn’t have cookies. Happy Halloween!