Dear SWUG,
Exams and job interviews aside, is there anything you can’t show up to slightly buzzed?
— Sloshed in Somerville

Dear Sloshed in Somerville,
You could probably get away with being slightly buzzed at both an exam and a job interview, but from experience here are the things you definitely can’t show up to buzzed:
1. To drive any sort of vehicle.
2. To play in a varsity sports game or practice.
3. The DMV.
4. To a meeting with your Dean about graduation credits.
5. To perform in SOC.
6. To perform in TDC. You must be blackout, not slightly buzzed.
7. Defending your thesis.
8. A haircut.
9. The gynecologist.
10. The police department.
11. A rape defense class taught by the police department.
12. A meeting with Ian Wong.
13. A calligraphy class.
14. A wood working class.
15. A Bris, and you’re the mohel.
16. Scuba diving.
17. A campus tour of BYU.
18. A swim test.
19. A drug test.
20. An STD test.
21. An IQ test.
22. A pregnancy test.
23. The birth of your child.
24. Your own birth.
25. Packing for a trip.
26. A class with Lee Edelman.
27. A genius bar appointment.
28. Negotiating a salary.
29. Performing surgery.
30. Oral surgery.
31. Jury duty.
32. Babysitting.
33. A Japanese tea ceremony.
34. Tightrope walking across a canyon.
35. Completing an Iron Man.
36. The grav-a-tron.
37. Flying an airplane.
38. Building Ikea furniture.
If you have more to add to this list, tweet @a_SWUGs_life with the #drunkinSWUG.
Mashed in Medford,

Dear SWUG,
I’m interested in a first year but don’t want to have intercourse on a twin bed. How can I get my queen bed into a dorm so my housemates don’t know I’m hooking up with a child?
– Cradle Robber

Dear Cradle Robber,
OK, back up. Go stand in front of the mirror. Do you see those crows feet starting to form? Do you see the dullness in your eyes from four years of stress at this fine institution? Do you see the extra five pounds in your face that won’t go away until you cut alcohol out of your diet? First years are not the fountain of youth. These babies might be two months into their college careers, but they will not help you feel that way again. They will make you feel old and tired. They will be inexperienced and inefficient. They wear their keys around their necks, as necklaces, out in public, like “Zoey 101” (2005 – 2008). Go grab a bottle of wine, turn up Taylor Swift’s “22” (2012), and reevaluate your priorities. First years are never the answer.
I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling SWUGGY 2