The SWUG who shagged me

Does a SWUG have to be a girl? Can you be SWUG if you are a guy?
— #leftout

Hey #leftout,
Don’t feel left out! Here are the three determining factors to see if you are a SWUG:
1. You must be a senior. However, you can be on your way to becoming a SWUG as early as freshman year. For example, I learned at the ripe age of 18 that parties are more fun when you’re wearing a fleece onesie and sipping wine out of a F.I.T. water bottle.
2. You must be washed up. Are you irrelevant? Perfect! Come over and watch “Scandal” (2012 – present).
3. If you pass the other two factors with ease, the main thing to consider in determining your SWUG candidacy is the G. Girl and Guy are the OG Gs, but there are many others as well. You could be a ghost that haunts the 3rd floor Hodgdon bathroom. You could be a giant gingerbread man, screaming “not my gumdrop buttons!” as freshmen walk by you. You could be a gorilla with the dexterity to dial Helen’s at 2 a.m. You could be a goat who just isn’t that interested in meeting any new goats this late in the game. Or you could be a goldfish who just can’t for the life of him remember what happened last night … or just now. SWUGs aren’t an exclusive bunch, and if you match these qualifications we will probably invite you to Sunday morning brunch. Except if you’re a goblin. Goblins cannot be SWUGs.
See ya at Senior SWUG Night,

I need some of your sage wisdom. My junior year I was fortunate enough to be dating a senior girl. As she grew more SWUG over the course of the year I did too. We went to bed early, exercised a lot and got great grades; frankly it was awesome. However, now in my senior year, I feel that I am more SWUG than I had hoped to be by October. Is there any way out of the SWUG life? Is it possible for me to get my mojo back? Or am I doomed for an 11:30 p.m. bedtime for my last year of college?
Plz Help,
Tan Deller

Hello Tan Deller,
You don’t choose the SWUG life. Much like Ollivander’s wands, the SWUG life chooses you. It sounds to me like you got an extra year to enjoy the land of milk and honey, and now all that wine has turned into whine. What’s wrong with an 11:30 bedtime? That’s past my bedtime.

Here is some sage wisdom to make you feel young and spritely again: sleep is the most important meal of the day, and you need to make sure you get eight hours of breakfast each night. Get your head out of your ass. You’re not Austin Powers and Dr. Evil didn’t steal your mojo. You probably just feel like Fat Bastard extracted it from you because you go to bed so darn late. Oh, behave! … like a SWUG. Your SWUGness IS your mojo. It’s what keeps you a functioning member of society, and not a freshman. And October is the perfect time to SWUGgle up and enjoy some pumpkin spice coffee with a little extra spice if you know what I mean. There’s more time to shop for baggy Halloween costumes and to learn how to knit when you say “yes!” to staying in more! Embrace the SWUG life and revel in the glory that is SWUGtober. Soon enough you’ll be a real person and you’ll look back on college with regret for all the times you chose to go out instead of staying in and playing Cards Against Humanity.