Love and other SWUGs

Dear SWUG,
I’m stuck in the sophomore (sexual) slump … drought more like … what do I doooo?
— Hopeless In Hodgdon

Dear Hopeless In Hodgdon,
Don’t let the lack of rain ruin your parade. Here are some straightforward suggestions to open up the flood-gates:

1. Get set up with a crush at Screw and then make it seem like fate brought you together.
2. Offer to swipe for a crush’s meal in Hodgdon ’cause you’re not giving it away for free. But you’re also not selling yourself. Do this carefully. Maybe don’t do this.
3. Kick your roommate out of the room and turn their side into a small, but fully operating, bed and breakfast. Advertise on TuftsLife.
4. Add your crush on Venmo. Pay them random sums of money for looking cute today.
5. Frequent Hillel. It’s like an AEPi or Alpha Phi mixer but with free food.
6. Go to DU. Leave.
7. Lay on the bottom of the pool with your goggles on. Find the swimmer with the best abs.
8. Go undercover and join your crush’s sports team. Become their roommate and best friend. Reveal your true identity at the big game. Stay on the team because Title IX, bro. She’s the woman!
9. Find the biggest nerd on campus and transform them into the prom king/queen to win a bet with your friends. Hope that they don’t find out about the bet. Fall for them.
10. Fake your own kidnapping/murder. Hide and enjoy the publicity. Beware of your high school stalker. Return home.
11. Write a Daily article about “How to Lose a Hookup in 10 Days.” Accidentally fall in love with your hookup. Find out that they have a bet with their friends about you. Sing Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” (1972) together.
12. Fall in love at first sight with a prince. Chase your sister across a snow-covered land because it turns out she’s got magical powers. Befriend a talking snowman. Find out that your prince is a two-timing jerk. Fall in love with an ice salesman. Realize that your love for your sister is stronger than any other love. Winter is gone!

Or just be yourself, enjoy the fact that you’re no longer a freshman, and let the chips fall where they may.
Start building your ark,

Dear SWUG,
I am a junior guy and I was wondering what your thoughts are about eye flirting in Dewick. Sometimes I feel like the weekend doesn’t hold enough time to talk to a girl you might be interested in so my friend suggested trying to make subtle eye contact in Dewick during the week to make yourself known.  Do you feel that this is an effective/appropriate strategy?
— Eyes on the Prize

Dear Eyes on the Prize,
Subtle eye contact is the sincerest form of flattery, but the chances that she can see your male gaze masked behind your layers of insecurity are slim. Save the subtle eye-f**king for astronomy lectures and flight delays at Logan Airport. You should wait for her to go up and get food and then follow her around Dewick. When she heads toward the beverages, bump into her and spill milk down her shirt. It’s a little cheesy, but hopefully she won’t have a cow about it and you can milk the opportunity to get close to her. From now on when she sees you around campus she’ll refer to you as the milkman and not “that guy who was creepily staring at me while I ate soup.” It’ll be legen-dairy!
Eye hope this works!