Lust in the time of mononucleosis

So in the past couple of weeks we have received — from quite a few people — the question of whether New York Style Delhi is a sex column. Our answer to that is, not exactly. I, Pooja, an apparent sex columnist, much prefer the title of “Advice Aunty.” However, I must note that sexual advice has been passed on from generation to generation of women in my family. In fact, on the eve of my twentieth birthday I received a call from my grandmother, giving me the golden token of sexual advice. She told me, “Pooja, never get an apartment.” My mother further explained to me that a member of my grandmother’s friend group had a daughter, who had another daughter, who rented an apartment, who was then impregnated with another daughter. Although I have been teaching pregnancy prevention to teenagers for the past year, I was unaware of the one MAIN causes of teen pregnancies, and that is of course, renting an apartment. So dear readers, here is a piece of advice for the commencement of our sexual advice column: the best form of contraception is to never sign a lease.

Dear NYSD, How can I get my milkshake to bring all the boys to my yard?

Rebecca: I live my life according to Woody Allen musings. When people ask me how I feel about hiking, I tell them, like Woody Allen, “I love nature, I just don’t want to get any of it on me.” Again, Woody’s wisdom comes in handy when sometimes your milkshake just is not doing it. If the boys are not coming to your milkshake, perhaps, you have to bring your milkshake to them. As Woody says, “80 percent of life is showing up.” While one can sulk and wonder why her J.P. Licks store does not have a line, its better to be proactive. I am not saying accept any invite you get, but I am saying that you should go out even if it is raining and you are worried your hair will get wet. Who’s to say that you won’t find your yellow umbrella in the storm?

Dear NYSD, I liked your bios and all but you didn’t tell us if you were single?

Rebecca: Cher and I have been together since 1998, when I first heard “Believe” (1998) at a bat mitzvah. However, as the years progress, our relationship is becoming more and more tumultuous. Cher and I were supposed to see each other for the first time Sept. 26, but then she canceled and we decided on Oct. 9. Then she cancelled again. Currently, we’re supposed to see each other at TD in January but part of me worries that her viral infection is a hoax and I’m being catfished.

Pooja: I am in a long-term relationship with Childish Gambino in my mind. Don-don and I have been together for a while now — but hit me up in the year 3005 if you’re still interested.

Dear NYSD, How do I (a female) get out of the friend zone (of a male)?

Pooja: A good friend of ours, Estelle Tcha, once told us about Korean TV personality Jung Eun Kwak. She is not a front-page vogue model, but has men pining for her from every which way. Her secret is that she looks at all men as if they are brownies. That is, she looks at men as if they were some Nutella, marshmallow, dark-chocolate square of glory that she craves and could not possibly live without having. Pretend this friend-zoner is a Boggart — a shape-shifting non-being that takes on the form of your favorite dessert — and maybe, like Jung Eun Kwak, you’ll get what you want.

That’s all we have for this week — keep submitting your questions to our Google Doc!

P.S. To the person who asked us which armrest in the movie theater is yours — we say take both. Let the people next to you know they’re on your turf.


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