Plague

So, I might be a couple of weeks late with this column, but if you’re keeping up with current events by reading S&S, you probably need to reevaluate your life anyway. At this point, everyone and their mothers have heard of the Tufts plague, and by now, chances are you’ve experienced it.

What is the Tufts plague, you might ask? (If so, that means you haven’t had it yet, so come over here so I can cough on you.) It’s a way of describing that awful series of weeks where, at one point or another, everyone on this campus gets sick. We’re currently finishing up round one, but if memory serves I believe the TP will make a reappearance sometime in mid-winter and then again in early spring. The plague also appears to intentionally coincide with horrible things like midterms in order to maximize suffering among the Tufts population -- it happens far too often to be a pure coincidence.

Luckily (or unluckily, depending on how you look at it), I am always one of the very last people to fall sick. These last two weeks I’ve been prancing around in full health and (relatively) high spirits (hey, it’s midterms), while my classmates sniffled, coughed and side-eyed my youthful health with increasing resentment. But just a few days ago I started feeling a little under the weather myself, which is obviously less than ideal for me, but is good news for everyone else because it means the plague has almost run its course.

Almost, but not quite, so I thought I’d dedicate this column to helping you all prepare for the next bout of the Black Death. Beating the plague requires a strong immune system, lots of Vitamin C and a good deal of luck, so if you want to increase your chances, here are some insider tips from an insider who’s currently experiencing what you definitely don’t want to:

1) Be a freshman. There’s nothing like living packed like sardines in a tiny Tilton dorm room to bolster your immune system. Your body will be so constantly inundated with minor germs (example: the communal shower) and viruses (that’s what roommates are for, right?) that by the time the plague sets in, you’ll be more than prepared. As long as none of your 40-plus hallmates fall ill, you’re set.

2) Go out drinking. Feeling a little under the weather right as the weekend rolls around? Common wisdom tells us to stay in and “nip it in the bud.” This just goes to show that commoners are idiots, as the smart thing to do is really to go out and party harder anyway. You see, your white blood cells are working just as hard as you are, and they deserve a break, too! Take your immune system’s mind off the losing battle it’s currently waging, and treat yourself to a night on the town. Bonus points for sharing drinks with as many people as you can.

3) Indulge yourself in the dining hall. Forget eating healthy -- you deserve a treat for how hard your body’s been working, so go ahead and have that carrot cake, that extra slice of pizza or that third trip to the ice cream station every Sunday night. Eating healthy is for healthy people, and let’s face it: during plague season, no one’s truly healthy -- some people are just less sick.

You see, staying on top of your game is quite simple if you just follow my advice -- this of course applies to all aspects of life, not just the anti-plague advice above. So check back next Monday for more guidance from yours truly, and, to my fellow plague stragglers, feel better!