When a fire starts to burn

Dear SWUG, My car blew up on Homecoming in the Zeta parking lot. What should I do with my totaled car? -- I Didn’t Start the Fire

Dear I Didn’t Start the Fire, Phew, its getting hot in here. My Nana always says, if you play with fire, you’re going to get burned, and this is exactly what she was talking about. From now on, Homecoming 2014 will be remembered as the day when that BMW blew up and all the parties got cancelled. Like moths to a flame, scores of Tufts students captured the incident via Snapchat. Punny captions ensued. Rumors will circulate for weeks about cocaine, perfectly flung cigarettes and acts of terrorism. Spontaneous combustion is the new black.

I think you should use this new found f(l)ame and fortune (if insurance companies cover stolen vehicles ... BURN!) to create a sculpture garden in the Zeta parking lot. The blowing up of your car was performance art, and the remnants represent the death of the American dream. Goodness gracious, great balls of fire! We’ve been burning the candle from both ends for too long. It’s hard to work all week and party all weekend and still have time to catch up on "Burn Notice" (2007 - 2013), "Chicago Fire" (2012 - present) and "The Big Bang Theory" (2007 - present). We’re susceptible to crashing and burning, and its hard to keep the fire lit under our asses for seven real semesters and a semester abroad just exploring the Parisian suburbs. We’ve seen fire and we’ve seen rain and we’ve seen sunny days that we thought would never end (until the smoke from your car engulfed campus). What better represents our plight than the metal frame of a German-made automobile?

Or maybe after the smoke settles, you could donate the ashes of your beamer to the Tufts Art Gallery. They currently have a jar of Jumbo’s ashes on display, so they’d probably appreciate the embers of Homecoming 2014. Another option to keep the fuel burning is to collaborate with Fan the Fire and blow your car up for every home football game. The Jumbos will soon be praying to Vulcan (the Roman god of fire) before games, and our beloved mascot will spit flames from its trunk. Your totaled car will rise from the ashes like a newborn phoenix as a memento to partying. Please stop playing with matches, SWUG

Dear SWUG, Can my professor tell that there's Andre in my Nalgene? -- Andre You Glad I Didn’t Say Banana

Dear Andre You Glad I Didn’t Say Banana, Your professor calls you Cady instead of Katie, can barely see you behind that football player in the third row and constantly talks about his upcoming sabbatical, so the chances that he even notices that you’re present, let alone own a Nalgene, are slim.

But just to be sure, invest in a tinted water bottle and cover it with socially conscious stickers. No one suspects Ms. “I choose to reuse” to be casually sipping on a sugary $7 champagne in the middle of Western Political Thought. Although... no one really ever suspects anyone to be sipping on Andre unless they’re zip-tied to a partner in a frat basement and forced to finish every last drop.

Maybe you should try sipping white wine out of a ziploc bag as a starting point and then go from there. I’ve also heard that beer helmets are a subtle way of saying: "I’m here and I’m drinking beer." Or you could go the hardo jock route and fill a gallon water jug with Rubinoff. The possibilities are endless when you realize that no one gives a f**k about what you are doing. Bottles up, SWUG