First off, just got to say that the pantsuit you were wearing at your appearance in Cali the other day was on point. The pop of leopard print was just genius. Was it Bill’s idea? It was totally Bill’s idea. I always knew he had a penchant for fashion. Especially those blue dresses! Too soon? God bless him. Anyhow, I’m writing to you about your choice for a vice president. I know you haven’t officially declared your candidacy, but let’s be real, every election needs a head beezy, and we all know you’re not letting Michelle Bachman snatch up that one. So, if you really want to beat her and the other white male Republicans trying to legislate vaginas across this fruited plain, listen to me. Hillary and Beyoncé 2016.
Right. You’re probably thinking the same thing as me. Will Solange get pissed off? Won’t she open up a can of crazy on you in an elevator with low-quality security footage of the incident leaking across the web weeks later? Of course. But don’t fret, Hillary: all of the drama will be the perfect catalyst to the campaign. At least that’s how everything goes down in “Scandal.” The build-up will be enormous. The public will be up in arms, pondering why exactly Solange pulled the stunt. “What if Hillary hooked up with Jay-Z? Maybe Bill and Beyoncé? Did Chelsea refuse to bow down to Blue Ivy’s excellence?” And then, everything comes to fruition at the official announcement. Beyoncé’s role will be revealed, with an entire new visual album dropping at the same instance. Destiny’s Child will be brought together for the main single. Bill will do a throwback “Single Ladies’” video as well, leotard and stilettos included. And you, Hillary, will have just won the heart of America. Actually, more like every country in existence. Who run the world? Hillary Clinton does now. Take that, Monica.
But you may also be asking, how will the Queen of Pop perform her necessary political duties as vice president? After all, she tends to be “Drunk in Love” (wink wink) most of the time. Yet again, Hillary, there’s no reason to have scruples. Think about it. Ms. Knowles’ universal acclaim and affection will be perfect for her ambassadorial duties. One performance of “To the Left” will surely convince Kim Jong Un to hand over his reign to the queen bee herself. Think Putin is a bit of a problem? “Crazy in Love” will make him fall crazy in love with westernized democracy and human rights activism, that’s for sure. African warlords? Even they will tear up and visualize that someone special when Queen B performs “Halo.” Beyoncé really is the panacea to all of your problems.
In addition, Beyonce’s new position will cast her as the president of the United States Senate. Another win for you, Hillary. All of the tumultuous discussions and disagreements in the chamber will dissipate when the new VP arrives. Oh, Ted Cruz is putting on another 21-hour filibuster? Not under the watch of loyal Bey. No one will be able to resist voting your way after a mid-session concert/twerk party hosted by one of best performers of all time. Even when that legislation gets backed up in committee, a brief krumping lesson from Sasha Fierce should move the bill right along. Nancy is going to shvitz, I already know it.
And that’s it Hillary. Basically, it’s evident that any other choice than Beyoncé for VP would be misguided. Pick Yoncé. We’ll all be Crazy in Love.
XO (last one),
P.S. You know Chelsea’s baby? Yeah, he or she will have to come out as gay. I know, I know, it’s still chilling in her uterus at the moment. But it’s okay. Progressivism is key, and you can’t get more progressive than a gay baby zygote fetus. You’re welcome in advance.