Dear Hannah and Jack,
I need advice on starting my own advice column. You guys seem pretty well−rounded. Good−looking, too. Do you know how I could go about doing this?
Sincerely,
Troubled in Tilton
Dear Troubled,
Actually, no. We've never written one before. But now that you mention it, maybe we should! After all, who is more qualified to dispense advice than a couple of freshmen, one of whom has received a solid B in the one semester of English he'll be taking in college, and the other of whom has a penchant for wearing Class of '15 attire on a daily basis? Together, we represent ladies and bros, engineers and liberal artists, athletes and whatever the heck it is Hannah does with her free time. We've got all the bases covered. With our powers combined, we can coach you on issues ranging from boy problems to completing your MyMathLab homework in the shortest possible interval of time (hint: use the example problems and fill in the blanks).
Rage o'clock and no biddies in sight? We've got you covered. Is it 2 a.m. and you don't know whether to get Pizza Days or Helen's? No problemo. What if you need to do laundry but don't have any JumboCash and also need to take a nap? Like right now? We're actually totally unqualified to be dispensing any sort of advice at all, but hopefully our feeble attempts can aid your decision making process. For example: Take the nap. You've been away all day. Your bed says it's sorry and wants you back.
But as to writing an advice column, we would say it should go thusly: You ask your readers (who by default have imperfect lives) for questions, and you (by which we mean "we" — we're kinda taking the reins here now, in case you haven't noticed) answer their questions, drawing upon our inconsiderable experience and perfect existences. Of course, when really flummoxed, simply follow our easy five−step process: Mull it over for a bit. Go for a walk. Drown your senses in some really loud Rusko. Eat a sandwich. Rinse and repeat. Eventually you'll strike brilliance. Then just write it all down. If it's any good, maybe the Daily will publish it. We hope? Pretty please?
HOLD UP. We just issued our first piece of pure gold, democratically elected, Oscar−nominated advice. Funny how that worked out!
Now that we have successfully — and rather narcissistically — shifted the focus from you to us, here is the mission statement for this advice column:
We understand that there may be people in the Tufts community (although reports are unconfirmed at this time), and that these people might have problems. They would understandably want to broadcast their concerns and questions to the rest of the community through the medium known as "The Tufts Daily," under alliterative pseudonyms pertaining to their place of residence. This column exists to provide the readers with informative, entertaining and totally useless responses to these questions, while gaining insight into what issues our classmates and colleagues are facing, as well as coming to the realization that we are all, in fact, riding the struggle bus.
So there you have it. Send your various inquiries our way and we'll do our best (maybe) to alleviate your concerns and doubts and send you on your way to a happy, trouble−free life. Come at us, bro!
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