So your significant other — how's that for PC, Tufts? — is being a dick. He forgot your birthday. She made a joke about you being whipped in front of your bros. What are you going to do about it? Perhaps it's what you're not going to do that is more significant.
Withholding sex has been used as punishment for thousands of years. You heard us. The Greek play "Lysistrata" by Aristophanes — originally performed in Athens in 411 B.C. — tells the tale of one woman who urges the wives of Greek soldiers to withhold sex from them until they negotiate peace. Clearly people have been perfecting the art of withholding sexual gratification for years. If these ancient Greek women can succeed in the art of refusing their husbands sex, so can we. For many people, it sounds easy: withhold sex and wait for said significant other to whine, grovel and beg for you and for sex. Simple, right? Maybe not.
There are many opinions on the subject of withholding sex as a form of punishment, so we interviewed some people to see what the Tufts community thinks. One girl said, "Why would I stop sleeping with a guy? If I'm pissed at him and in a bad mood, I deserve sex even more. I don't want to punish myself." This is a valid point, especially for those who don't believe in taking emotional frustrations out on a physical relationship with the person. This could be damaging, especially if your partner takes offense to your declaration of no playtime and leaves you regretting your decision. Also, have you ever been in a room alone with someone with whom you've been hooking up only to restrain yourself from even getting close to the person? Come on. We're college students. All we think about is sex most of the time. If you're desperately looking for a bed warmer on the weekend, chances are you won't want to blow it once you've found a steady hookup or relationship.
Along a different line, one girl said, "I feel like using sex is manipulative and a bad idea. Sex can be an important part of any relationship, and it is detrimental to associate it with negative feelings." Some of you may scoff at this, but here's a shocker — there are plenty of people at Tufts who are in steady relationships. In fact, these people are probably getting more than you if you're one who only hooks up occasionally.
Emotions are especially tricky in relationships, because they're more difficult to maintain than hookups. I, for one (Alison), can vouch for this, as I've never withheld sex from my boyfriend as punishment. You cry, you yell, you explain in detail all the bad things that your boyfriend has done to you in the past 17 days, then he brings you a sandwich from Dave's later and it's all over. Don't force yourself not to have sex. You love sex. Enjoy it while you can.
One of our favorite answers was "Douchebags don't get sex. My mother taught me that when I was young. It's a lesson everyone should learn eventually." Here's a tip: don't have sex with douchebags. Don't date them. There are plenty of nice people around with whom you could have sex. Then you won't encounter this problem.
The bottom line is that withholding sex is a personal choice. If you feel like it'll actually improve your relationship — physically, emotionally or both — with the other person involved, go for it. However, we can't promise that this will end well. You might find yourself sitting in your dorm room late at night watching a Lifetime movie while crying to your friends over a bowl of Ben & Jerry's, regretting your valiant attempt to stage your own modern production of "Lysistrata." If you've found someone you really care about, toss your anger aside for a bit after an argument and think about how lucky you are. You know everyone else is jealous that you're having sex on a Tuesday evening while they're desperately waiting for the weekend.
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Alison Williams and Sarah Gottlieb are both sophomores who have not yet declared their majors. Williams can be reached at Alison.Williams@tufts.edu and Gottlieb can be reached at Sarah.Gottlieb@tufts.edu.
