Dear Yuantee,
There comes a time in every man's life when he must come to terms with the limitations of his body. While I fear this time has come, I remain optimistic that your consistent, fully baked advice can cure me of the evils modern science has failed to thus far alleviate. I've been with my lover for quite some time. She's truly the belle of the ball. I want and need to show her my gratitude, Yuantee, but I can't get it up. What should I Zhu?
—Grumpy in Gifford
GG,
I'm no sex columnist, as many of my readers seem to think, but I have been having lots of sex lately. Hanging out with pre-eminent Tufts band Knives For Sale will do that for you. They play every Thursday night at The Burren, except on Senior Pub Nights.
In your letter, you expressed disappointment in "modern science." Judging by your tone, you've tried Viagra, Cialis, Enzyte, Levitra, all kinds of marijuana, gummy bears and autoerotic asphyxiation. Now, I'm admittedly not in the best position to give my usual "fully baked" advice because I've never used three of the aforementioned methods, and also because I've essentially maintained an erection my entire adult life. Nevertheless, I do know the feeling. There was this one instant, I recall, when I lost my erection briefly following intercourse. It was during this three minute post-coitus span where I, like you, feared my hard-on would be lost forever. Fortunately, my date at the time rolled over, and something about the soft swing of her long Spanish curls struck me deep, and my lion came roaring back with a healthy vengeance. And if mine can, maybe yours can, too, with my help.
The first thing that comes to mind is Taylor Swift, particularly her songs "Our Song" (2006) and "You Belong With Me" (2008), which can be used to set the mood. If her playful hiccup of the lyric "real slow" in the third chorus of the former can't give you the edge you need, maybe you're more of a Katy Perry guy. Perry's video "Teenage Dream" (2010) is the most conducive role-playing video of the decade, or second if you count the 2002 Ja Rule and Ashanti role-playing anthem "Mesmerize" (I've got a thing for cotton candy and Ferris wheels).
Or you could keep it simple. Try it in public. There's nothing like the thrill of the public arena to rile up your loins. My personal favorite is the steps behind Carmichael, whose generous breadth provides a romantic haven for consensual sex. But if that spot's in use, you could always try the President's Lawn, although you may have to wait your turn to use the swing.
I also sought the advice of my horny housemates. Several YouTube clips were suggested to get the blood flowing. Among them were a number of Serena Williams highlights, one from a recent match against Danish smoke-show Caroline Wozniacki. Two other Taylor Swift videos, "Teardrops on My Guitar" (2006) and "Fifteen" (2008) — though she was 18+ when she wrote the song; nothing illegal here — were also mentioned as instant remedies.
One housemate in particular suggested something very different — the Japanese freshwater eel Unagi. Rumor has it Unagi was first discovered by the earliest Chinese fishermen before Japanese pirates began noticing its effects. But only in the last hundred years was Unagi unveiled to the free markets of the globe, and only recently have sages spoken of the true value of its fruit. It's no coincidence that the recent exposure of this protein- and calcium-rich product comes at a time in man's history in which seniors have been unabashedly reporting their wildest sexual rejuvenations yet. Perhaps it's time, GG, you relent to the craze.
Or, if that still doesn't do it for you, you could always ask Bacow, that dirty old innovator.
At least, that's what I would Zhu.
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Yuantee Zhu is a senior majoring in biology. He can be reached at Yuantee.Zhu@tufts.edu.
