One of my roommates has been subjecting himself to one of the most miserable practices I know of this semester. He's in bed by midnight, wakes up around 8 a.m. and is running himself into the ground. No, he didn't get a job. Even worse, he's running the marathon.
Next Monday, approximately 600,000 crazy masochists are going to run the vaunted 26.2 miles that make up the Boston Marathon, and about 6,000 of them are going to be from Tufts. Why? Because of a little thing called the President's Marathon Challenge. You know about it, I'm sure. Larry B. started it a while ago, challenging Tufts students to run the marathon with him back when he had knees. Signing up for it is a mighty bold undertaking. I tip my cap to my fellow students who are able to punish themselves over and over until they finally collapse across the finish line into one of those space age foil blankets. But the marathon is not for all of us. And so, in the spirit of inclusivity, I'm proposing a more realistic set of challenges for students at Tufts, the Proletariat, or Pro, Challenges. Here they are: — Participate in eight TDCs. This one takes some early planning, some absurd costumes and an insatiable desire to smang it. — Or, on the flip side, never make it to a single TDC showing. This is probably harder. It involves an unwavering devotion to having few friends and being antisocial. Extra points if you have absolutely no idea what TDC is. — Make it to a football or soccer game not on homecoming. This is voided if you're actually on one of these teams. For this, you'll probably want one of those goofy disguise moustaches and an incognito hat so nobody knows it's actually you in the stands. — Use the full 400 meals you get freshman year. I actually shudder to think what might happen to my arteries and digestive tract if you put me in front of the Dewick pizza lady three times a day. For this, you'll need a deep supply of Pepto−Bismol, a distinct lack of taste buds and some extra baggy clothing. — Along the lines of dining halls, petition to get trays back in Carmichael and Dewick. Really. Someone please get on this ASAP. Anyone? — "Spend a night" at each of the houses within any of these specified groups: fraternities, sororities, culture houses, Tufts dorm halls, libraries, Tufts campuses, on−campus eatery bathrooms, the Gifford House. — Avoid muggings and robberies your entire four years at Tufts. Easier said than done. There are multiple ways to accomplish this. One is to live on campus your entire academic career and never trek down to Powder House Pub on a Tuesday. Another is to start going to the gym as a freshman, invest in a hoodie and dark jeans now, buy a knife or gun (or rachet wrench) and be the mugger. If you can't beat them, join them, right?
So there you go. For those of you who share my aversion to extended, nonsport cardio, here are some challenges for you. The Pro Challenges require intense dedication and serious commitment. Plus, you don't have to raise a thousand bucks to participate.
Actually, on second thought, check that. To be officially recognized as a Pro Challenge competitor there's a $50 fee. You can mail that to Steve Miller, 9 Fairmount, Medford, MA. Please? I might even send you a foil blanket.
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