Dear Yuantee,
So I was at the dining hall with my roommate and her friend from freshman year, whom I will call Michelle. We never really got along, but were always able to play nice when necessary. However, she totally crossed the line by saying that no one would want to be my friend if I didn't have a boyfriend in 123. Outrageous! Now things are strained between the three of us, as well as our other mutual friends. Every time we get together, things get explosive and the same issues keep coming up over and over and over again. We've both passed olive branches, but regardless of our efforts, Yuantee, the tension remains. What should I Zhu?
−Drama in Dewick
D.D.,
I feel for you, D.D. This seems like a terrible situation, and certainly more complicated than any I've ever been in. I have a tough time relating to this, and, admittedly, had to read through your letter several times before realizing I could not solve this riddle alone. I forwarded your letter to my little brother's girlfriend, and this was her response:
"I couldn't help but notice the similarity between your situation with Michelle and Kyle and Camille Grammer's relationship on ‘RHoBH'. You clearly identify with Camille and think that Kyle is a bully for saying people only want to hang out with you to hang out with Kelsey. Fortunately, there are three ways to resolve this issue in your group of friends without getting Andy Cohen involved. Either you avoid or confront Kyle (that's two), or you never go anywhere without Kelsey (that's three!), or in your case your 123 brother, and finally bury the hatchet. Best of luck!"
I hope this letter was helpful to you. I looked up "RHoBH" and apparently it stands for "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills", which is a television show on Bravo I don't think anyone but my little brother's girlfriend watches. Kyle, I think, is the name of a girl on the show, Kelsey the name of a guy, and Andy Cohen the name of a Jew. She insisted this would be helpful.
However, I wasn't sold. I asked my housemates, thinking you could use the extra collective insight of six dudes. Their consensus was that Kyle was indeed out of line, and that in the picture you paint, you are clearly in the right. She was so wrong to say that no one would want to be your friend if you didn't have a boyfriend in 123. You clearly still have friends, since you say that things are strained between the two of you when you're with your mutual friends.
As some of my housemates put it: "You're in the right here, and you have friends, and you should relax." "If it's yellow, let it mellow." "In terms of Homeland Security, this certainly has the feel of a code yellow: elevated, though still two shades from severe."
After considering these ideas, I must attest I still wasn't convinced I'd heard enough to give you a response worthy enough of my reputation. I live under the tenet that if you let a yellow mellow long enough, it will darken. You've got to act. You need to confront Kyle. Kelsey's not here anymore to clean up your messes. You need to burn all her clothes on the roof of Dewick, which is easily accessible from the back, and you need to steal her boyfriend. Then, you'll have two boyfriends in 123, and Kyle will be humiliated and naked.
At least, that's what I would Zhu.
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