For the second time in as many weeks, I find myself in a very unfamiliar place. I'm at the beating heart of the most social spot on campus: Club Tisch. Now, I should be finishing a midterm paper for an English class due in two days, but that would first involve starting it, and that's not really my style. Instead, I've been looking up what my roommate likes to call "IN THE FACEEEE" videos — e.g. a little kid hit in face with an enormous ball. It is infinitely more entertaining.
However, on this peaceful Monday night, I'm very much disturbed. I have a pair of those ridiculously large noise−canceling headphones that make me look like a nerdy Tiesto. I'm currently listening to Hans Zimmer's score for "Inception" because it's awesome, and for some reason movie music helps me work. It's not helping today, though.
I think that's because despite my enormous headphones and the loud, dramatic music, I can hear every single person in this whole godless building coughing and sneezing up a storm. Apparently, Tufts is pumping swine flu directly into the air in here. The zombie apocalypse is upon us, and I'm sitting at ground zero.
Given my penchant for hyperbole, I understand if you think I'm joking. Trust me; I'm not. I will even document the exact time and number of sneezes/coughs I hear while I write this, starting now. It's 9:20 p.m., Monday, Nov. 1, 2010.
Due to this terrifying experience I would like to propose a new medical term: STDs. No, dirty child, I'm not talking about that scandalous, sweaty action someone's getting down on Level G. No, this is a new term, which stands for Studying Transmitted Diseases. These are the fevers, colds, viruses and bugs running rampant across this campus. And their breeding grounds? Libraries. Think about it: It's midterm period, everybody's all stressed out, it's the beginning of flu season, and people are crammed into Tisch getting significantly less sleep than they need. Sounds like a perfect cocktail for a mass breakout of STDs.
Quick check on the stats: 9:31 p.m. — 39 sneezes and coughs. That's more than three and a half STDs per minute. I came here perfectly healthy, and I'm now 100 percent convinced it'll actually be the truth when I tell my professors I'm not feeling well next week, which is a rarity.
S−−−. A very large shipment of Danish pastries rolling through the library just distracted me. Just after snatching a particularly tasty−looking apple turnover, my incredibly sick friend reached over and fondled the rest of the pastries. I won't be having seconds.
Clearly, we have a problem here. Here are some thoughts on how to stay alive in this highly contaminated area. 1. Wear one of those hilarious SARS masks. Why will this never happen? Look around at how many cute girls have clearly gotten dressed up for the library. It's the place to be seen on campus. It's the Kentucky Derby with fewer hats. Think they'll mess up that perfect study outfit with a goofy mask? 2. Practice safe studying. Buy 7,000 containers of Airborne and Purell and use them every time. Use two just to be safe. 3. Hide in the quiet room where sneezers, coughers and other involuntary noisemakers are berated fanatically. 4. If you are sick, don't go to Tisch. Only you can prevent rampant STDs. 5. Clearly the easiest and most obvious one for me: Don't go to Tisch at all. I'm not sure why I'm here in the first place. I legitimately haven't done s−−−. On top of that, I now need to go to Health Service for an STD test. FML.
Final tally: 9:20 to 9:51 p.m. — 88 coughs and sneezes and one blatant pastry STD grab for a total of 2.87 STDs per minute. Gross.
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