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The Tufts Daily
Where you read it first | Thursday, March 28, 2024

Logan Crane | If you seek Amy

I am one of many in our voyeuristic society that thrives off of the misery and complicated problems of others. I am infatuated with the Web site Fmylife.com, where anonymous bloggers post humiliating stories for cathartic laughter. I suggest logging on to the Web site in times of desperation when nothing seems to be playing out right.
    The stories people are willing to share will not only satisfy your need to reap the benefits of others' misery, but they will also make your worst day seem like a walk in the park. So, I dedicate this column to the existence of Fmylife.com. As fun as it is to read the blogs online, you tend to wonder if some of those stories could possibly contain even an ounce of truth. Thanks to the sexual failures of friends, I have included the worst hook-up stories that I have personally heard, and they make a little queef seem like a hiccup.
    Here's the first one. It was the wee hours of the morning and she had snuck into the gentleman's room to awaken him with kisses below the belt. As she pulled the covers down and took his package out of the peephole, she noticed a pungent smell. Before I go any further I must make it known he was uncircumcised, and most of us are aware of sanitation issues with the hood. Despite the note-worthy stench, she went down for the kill. As she went down she noticed a flakey film forming on her tongue. When she pulled up, she opened her mouth and peeled off white fuzzy flakes that she had collected from the foreskin. A token FML moment.
    Another story: This boy and girl were recurring hookup buddies and everything seemed to be going smoothly. After getting back from a party together, they started making out. He noticed that something didn't taste right but kept going figuring it was a mixture of Natty Light and Popov vodka. But the taste became more and more intense to the point that it made him heave in her mouth. They flipped on the lights to find out she had gotten a bloody nose. She stood there with a mouth full of vomit and blood streaming down her cheeks.
    After a forties Friday, a girl had bumped into her latest crush at a party at the DU frat. She and the unidentified male made an appearance on the dance floor before exiting the party for some late night fun. Although she was beginning to feel queasy, she knew this was her chance for a successful hook up. Clothes came off and soon enough she was down on her knees. After the second dip she felt nauseous, and being that she was drunk she lacked the reaction time and rationale to remove herself from the situation. She was gagged by and accidently vomited on his penis. The guy had been drinking so he didn't notice. She slurped it up and continued until he finished. Party foul.
    We all have encountered scarring moments that we may never be able to erase from our memories. They seem to replay in our minds, and we can either embed them in our brains and hope that they never occur again, or we can make a mockery of the situation by retelling the story to friends. Falling victim to an FML moment is never fair or fun, but I guarantee that describing your misery to friends will lighten the situation, and you might find that a little laughter is the best cure.

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Logan Crane is a junior majoring in political science. She can be reached at Logan.Crane@tufts.edu.