The Art of Good Soup: A souposium on good form

Graphic by Lily Davis
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Nevada. Long ‘a’ or short ‘a’? Please get back to us with your phonetic spelling. It’s political.

Today we’re gonna have a little chat. We’re cracking up, you guys. And NOT in a funny way. We are sick and tired and flummoxed and fed up with watching you guys lumber about, with no good understanding of what it REALLY means to eat. good. soup.

Let’s talk about the proper way to get the job done. Shall we? Lol, like you have a choice.

A cotillion on the manner of good soup. Let’s proceed.

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First, y’all’s elbows are looking perpendicular in all the wrong ways. Them thangs thangin’. Who let you animals put your elbows on the table with such a disregard for the majesty of a warm, abundant, bubbling bowl. Double, double toil and trouble; fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Yes, we plagiarized. Shakespeare was a plagiarist, too, so get your heads out of our bowls.

Anyways, lesson two or whatever. Why you guys havin’ your necks stretched like Candace from Phineas and Ferb? Please, you have utensils for a reason. There is NO CAUSE to pray to your bowl like the porcelain gods on a Friday night. Bring the food to your mouths, babes. Nobody likes a loud, hunchbacked, neck stretched, no-good slurper. Let’s eat with good form.

Lesson three. Know your way around your noods. Stop forkin’ a bowl when everyone and their mother knows you should be spooning. And in the special case of ramen, pho or any sort of extra long noodle, use your chopsticks. “But Ellie and Cole, I don’t know how to use sticks!” Girl, learn. A fork is embarrassing. YouTube is an asset.

Also, wikiHow is a valuable resource as well. Did you know that everything you read on Wikipedia is 100% accurate? We strive for the same.

BACK to school. Lesson four. Ahem. Do NOT mix good soup with foul emotions, or good emotions with foul soup. Keep your affairs in order. Good soup is the moment. It’s everything. Treat it accordingly. When you have your head over that bowl, everything else should fade away. This is between you, your mouth and that steaming hot object of your desire.

You may be asking yourself now: Where’s all the fun? And who are these goobers to tell me how I can and can’t ingest my liquids? Fear not, disciples, we assure you we’re qualified. We have a lot of experience with liquids of all shapes and sizes. We know our way around a bowl. And as for the fun, do you even have to ask that question? You clearly don’t know good soup from tap water that’s been sitting on your nightstand for a week next to a container of cranberry pills. Don’t ask.

We rate you, the reader, two spoons. Improve yourselves, please.

And if you’re asking yourself: What was the soup this week? It’s a commentary, you blundering idiot. Like we said, it’s political. Toodles, babes. Don’t be deep, just be hot.

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