From left to right: Fionn Whitehead in Dunkirk (2017), Daniel Kaluyya in Get Out (2017), Saoirse Ronan in Lady Bird (2017) and Meryl Streep in The Post (2017). Via Warner Bros/Universal/A24/20th Century Fox

How to prepare for the Oscars without watching the movies

March, the most Boston of months, is upon us at last. With midterms, St. Patrick’s Day and spring break all on the horizon, you may have completely forgotten that the 90th Academy Awards are this weekend! What’s that? You haven’t seen any of the best picture nominees because you were too busy crying over the sensual grace of Olympic pair skating? Don’t fret, because the Daily has you covered with nine ways to prepare for the ceremony without any of the hard work of watching a movie.

9. Wander over to the pool and stare longingly at a NESCAC champ swimmer to get a sense of “The Shape of Water” (2017).

Sure, our boys might not exactly be god-like fish creatures dredged from the Amazon, but those abs are good enough. Bonus points if you offer one a hard-boiled egg!

8. Ask a history professor to join you in the Granoff practice hallway and shout about the individual battles of WWII over the noise to capture the tedium, anxiety and trombone sounds of “Dunkirk” (2017).

If you accidentally fall asleep, there will always be a trombone nearby to startle you awake.

7. Ask a different history professor to just do a Winston Churchill impression and yell at you directly to understand “Darkest Hour” (2017).

Let’s be real, we don’t need to nominate two WWII movies each year. There’s no quota. But Oldman’s jowly Churchill leaves an impression, to say the least.

6. Give your mom a quick call that explodes into a tearful 45-minute fight about your post-grad plans, haircut and weight to sum up “Lady Bird” (2017).

Even for a film as detailed and emotionally rich as “Lady Bird,” this kind of argument covers most of the bases. No, Mom, the pink hair isn’t a phase! Bonus points if you cry to Dave Matthews Band afterward.

5. Head over to Admissions and ask about the economic and racial diversity of Tufts’ undergraduate population to experience the acute, topical horror of “Get Out” (2017). 

Jordan Peele’s allegorical film broke box office records and introduced a new type of horror to many American audiences, but why go to the movies when you can get those jump scares by looking at our own incredibly lacking demographics report?

4. Got a tip about university misconduct? Feed it to the Daily and the Observer at the same time to create an editorial race for greatness rivaling that of “The Post” (2017).

The only winner will be Meryl Streep.

3. To get a sense of “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri” (2017), make an inflammatory Tufts Secrets post that garners so much attention it results in three Daily op-eds and a vague email from the administration.

Listen, it’s controversial. Check out the article opposite this one for context.

2. Looking for love? Try talking with your hot philosophy TA until your will-they, won’t they sexual tension turns into a deeply affecting coming-of-age experience like Elio’s in “Call Me By Your Name” (2017).

If this sounds like too much to handle, you may just want to grab your last hookup and a piece of fruit from Dewick and see where things go.

1. If your newfound love turns out to be an uptight artist type with a lactose allergy, honor “Phantom Thread” (2017) by ‘accidentally’ feeding them cheese and making it impossible for them to boss you around.

This might sound cruel, but cheese won’t kill them, and the inverted power dynamics could spice things up in your relationship! Or it could just make them hate you. But the drama, dear readers, is what wins you an Oscar.

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